TW Feeling shit about myself
I hate myself a bit rn.
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, or how to get the help I need, or if I even deserve help.
Not many people irl seem to think I deserve help. Maybe that's why it's so hard to find.
I wish i could just be.. enough. For something or someone or maybe just myself. But I never am.
I'm exhausted and in pain and scared. I'm doubting everything, nothing seems real.
I don't know why I'm even trying. It really doesn't feel like I'm worth it. Or like I'm worth anything.
I want to die a bit. I can (and will) keep myself safe though.
Apparently some people actually want me around. Idk why.
I wish someone could help me. Though by the time Headspace gets around to it I'll probably be too frightened to accept any help.
My brain feels scattered. At the moment I'm coordinating a lot of my appointments and stuff. Idk what'll happen when I'm not even able to do that.
I feel so lost. I wish I could do better. Maybe then someone could help me.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a really difficult period right now, I am so proud of you for seeking support, that is not an easy step to take. You are really strong, coping with this experience and simultaneously coordinating the appointments.
It sounds like you are struggling with the the feeling of not liking yourself. Has this been quite recent that you have started feeling this way? It can be so hard to create self love and to feel that you deserve love and support from others. I understand this feeling and I am also trying to find a way through it too. I wanted to suggest a video which recently helped me as I was feeling very badly about myself. The video is part of an audiobook and this chapter moved me to tears. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tWa-4vSEak
I recognise it may not be useful for you, that is totally ok! Each person is beautifully unique and if this is not helpful, I believe that you will find something that helps you.
It sounds like last night was difficult for you and I wanted to check in and see how you are this morning?. I am so glad to hear you're safe and you processed these feelings in a creative way. I like that idea and may use it one day when I need it too.
I can't speak to the process of receiving support from Headspace as well @JM-RO and @WheresMySquishy but I really do hope that you receive the support you want.
Thanks @CowboyBebop
No, I've felt like this for years. It's just slightly worse rn.
I'm not doing great. I'm still safe though.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been going through this for a long time and that this is especially a hard time. It is so good to hear that you’re taking part in activities you enjoy, like horse riding. That’s really valuable! Have you got any more self care plans?
@CowboyBebop not really...
There's not that much I enjoy at the moment. My friend might be coming over though.
I made myself food. 
I nearly had a panic attack at least once, but I did it. The chances of food poisoning are pretty low and nothing exploded so I'm going to call it a success.
How did you manage through that?@Taylor-RO I honestly have no idea but it involved potato.
And luck I think..
Hey @Tiny_leaf . I just caught up on this thread and I'm really sad to hear how much of a hard time you are going through right now. I feel like alot of what you're saying resonates with me, especially with the whole graphic content thing. I'm glad you destroyed the box. It made me giggle seeing the box and trying to empathise with the box.
I've been really struggling too and it's hard when you don't feel like you're getting the support you need. I had to really ask to be put on another therapy program at headspace because I just need more things to look forward to.
It may not be exactly helpful but I want you to know that you're not alone, you matter and I love talking to you on the forums. You're a true valued member. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. We got your back here at RO.
My nana died this morning.
Honestly I'm not ready to talk about it but yeah..
I'm just going to miss her so much.
So um, I may or may not be on the forums as much.
I don't know. I don't know...
I'm so sorry to hear about your nana @Tiny_leaf. May she rest in peace.
We'll be here to listen when (or if ever) you want to talk about it.
Thank you..
I think I'm going to need a hospital stay while waiting for my headspace thing 
I miss nana, and now everything feels less real and it's just making everything worse.
I saw her body to say goodbye and I saw her breathing but it was just a hallucination... I hate my stupid brain for doing that to me
Kid's psych wards only take under 16 year olds.
Adult's ones only take over 18 year olds, and only ones in their catchment area.
I'm 17 years old and don't live conveniently next to a good hospital.
The closest one to me is a bit crap and also puts about 0 effort into queer inclusion. (Yay for so many somewhat conservative religious hospitals in WA's public health sector.)
It's like everything is closing in...
@Tiny_leaf What you're going through is so awful. I really hope that everything works out for you. We're all here to support you during this hard time.
I hope you enjoyed your volunteering today.
Thank you @Bananatime04 @Tasi and @WheresMySquishy
The volunteering was fairly good, I got to help work with an emu chick who was struggling to walk.
He also keeps trying to eat rocks for some reason.. 
And then I nearly ended up in between two kangaroos who weren't that happy with each other, and screamed at and attacked by a chicken-demon/ velo-chic-raptor.
Anyway.. Now gotta figure out how to bring up the idea of hospital with my parents..
There's way too much going on but I really need to go somewhere while headspace figures out what to do with me.
Especially if they end up saying they can't help...
Volunteering with animals sounds like so much fun @Tiny_leaf!
Kind of reminds me of the chicken from Moana...
Hmm... It sounds really tricky. 
Could you get someone to suggest the idea to your parents like a psychologist or a support worker?
If you tell them that you think you now need more support after the loss of your nana, do you think they would be understanding? You could also add that you feel like you would benefit with structured, daily support.
Thanks @Bananatime04 and @WheresMySquishy
I SPENT AGES LOOKING FOR THAT GIF!!!
I could only find Moana putting the coconut over his head though...
I don't know how long it'll be before I get that chance.. I think I do have to do it.
They'll be supportive I think. Just actually doing the talking is gonna be hard...
Oh my gosh your animal adventures sound very fun and kind of wacky @Tiny_leaf !
I can imagine bringing the conversation up with your parents will be quite hard. When I have a hard conversation ahead I like to write notes on my phone... I don't usually use them but I'm quite visual so having things written down clears my mind.
You may have gotten that advice before... have you ever used a strategy when bringing something up with them before?
@Tasi definitely.
I've also gotten into a fight with a (different) kangaroo, been harassed by an emu, bitten by a goose (geese are scary), spent like half an hour trying to chase chickens back through a gate (and then 15 minutes fixing a hole in said gate), and a heap of other stuff. Animals are just.. weird.
I somehow managed to speak to dad about it, he's going to look into the hospital thing.
Idk what to think rn. I'm just really tired.
Me trying to find queer-friendly health services:
Like it's 100% possible I'll be treated like crap by the people who were meant to help me, and that it'll all just reinforce my issues.
That's not the sorta thing I want to leave to chance.
I don't understand what it is about my gender that's just so unacceptable to people.
I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to find services that are safe.
Hi @Tiny_leaf,
I’m sorry to hear finding queer friendly services in your area has been so challenging Everyone has a right to access safe services
I am wondering if you have had a look at the rainbow tick accreditation page to see which services have passed accreditation as queer safe spaces? There’s a list of services here.
Are there any rainbow tick certified services local to you?
@Jess1-RO yeah, I have.
There are a few. Most of them are dentists for some reason.
I'm not even kidding about the dentist thing. Like seriously if you want trans friendly dental care come to WA.
Aw no, sorry @Tiny_leaf dentists are not what you are looking for at the moment
@Jess1-RO like it was a pleasant surprise to see so much support from the dentist community in WA.
I'm not unhappy about that at all. But I kinda wish the mental health professionals here shared the same enthusiasm....
Honestly I think I'm just gonna have to choose a service and hope for the best.
Basically I get to play Russian roulette with my mental health.
