TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.
okay...
So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.
I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.
And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...
I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now.
Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all.
I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...
I don't know what to do.
I did end up passing out, but it was while we were on the train home. But no on noticed, and for some reason, my friends were able to wake me up. Thank goodness for that, or I would've been left on the train!
We didn't have rehearsals, unfortunately. My director didn't send the email until I had gotten to school, and has forgotten to put me into the email list three times now. If she doesn't communicate properly again, I'm quitting.
Anyways, Toy Story 4 wasn't bad, but I don't like movies.
I had Subway for lunch, which was good, and some Boost smoothie. it was Delicious.
But something bad has suddenly hit me hard in the face.
Someone has been spreading rumours about me, and saying that I'm a slut. That I'm the reason for someone's depression. And it was written all over the toilet walls.
I'm lost. I'm going to end up at a school that I don't know. That isn't my home.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx those rumors sound horrible... you're such a nice person, I really don't understand why someone would say stuff like that about you..
It wasn't too bad yesterday. But today, I just wanted to let go. Give up. Stop trying and stop fighting. But I didn't. There are so many people I can help in the future, if I get a psychology degree, or teaching degree.
But I still don't have a person to hold on to. I feel so alone. And my person wasn't at youth group tonight.
Why is my life like this? I am safe. Just upset and tired.
Hi again @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! Sorry I haven't been on for a few days. I got some side effects from an antibiotic and it made me feel pretty sick.
I'm sorry you wanted to give up and about the hurtful rumours, but I'm so proud of you for making the decision to keep going. 
How are you feeling today?
That's okay @WheresMySquishy.
And my mum is on the same kind of antibiotic that makes her feel sick too.
Thank you, and I guess they aren't what's making me feel bad atm.
I'm feeling a bit alone still, as I couldn't see my person to hold on to last night. She wasn't at Youth Group, so I was alone. I only went last night, to see her. We shall call her Nico. Her nephews were there, but it didn't help that I needed someone to cuddle and cry to. Now I can only see her at Church tomorrow, but she's always so busy with her job there that she doesn't have time for me. I can't even talk to some people about it either, because they don't listen.
I really want to give up. I'm crying, and wanting the hard times to go away.
Why did the rumours have to be spread while I was away on excursion? Why did Nico have to be away last night? Why do I have to be so alone at home, and anywhere else I go?
When can I feel okay?
I've been not okay for long enough. But the person I need is never around anymore. I'm just about ready to give up and let go. But I'm fighting it so bad right now. I have to live for everyone here, and for my American friend. I just don't know how to hang on any longer. I'm slowly losing my grip on the ledge of the cliff. At least I'm still hanging on. I can make it through this. I just don't know how to.
Yet.
I am safe btw.
//Nothing is impossible. The word itself says "I'm Possible"//
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I hope your mum gets better! My grandma was also on the same antibiotic and it made her feel sick as well. I'm counting down the days until I don't have to take it any more.
I'm really sorry that you couldn't see your special person. 
Are you able to stay in touch when you can't see each other? Maybe you can exchange contact details.
It can also be really hard when one of your friends is struggling. I think @Taylor-RO's advice is really great. All you can really do is be there for them, suggest that they contact a support service or tell a trusted adult and hope that things improve.
Please keep fighting! We love you so much. You're worth it.
I thought I replied. It must not have posted. Oh well.
I'm okay, but I have had trouble with my feelings. I feel the same way Bananatime04's feeling, but not harmfully. I know my worth, and it's okay to not be okay sometimes. But I've been not okay for long enough. And my special person probably won't be able to be with me anymore. Like @Tiny_leaf said in one of their threads, Probably is just as painful as any other word.
Nico is too busy for me. She's going away on a trip in term 4, and when I go to youth group, she will only be there when the junior group is on. that's every fortnight. from term 3.
If I can't see her, then who's my special person going to be?
I know someone who could be one, but I might not even be going to the same school next year.
I just have to figure out what the big decisions are in my life, and I'll figure it out soon. But for now, I'm going to try and take care of myself.
Until I find the right person for me. And maybe then, I can feel okay. Just for a little while.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx sorry that responding took me ages, a lot's been happening..
I know how you feel about not being okay for long enough - it's really exhausting...
I'm sorry that I don't have much advice here, but I just wanted to say that I hear you, and I believe in you.
I'm okay now. I've moved on. I've missed my opportunity to be vulnerable. To let out my feelings.
Scratch that.
I'm not okay. I'm emotionless with a mask of emotions.
I'm a fricking Mess.
But I don't care anymore.
Thank you for being here for me @Tiny_leaf. and thank you too, @Claire-RO.
But I did say that I might not be at the same school, not my chaplain.
I survived "The S.H.A.C.K." first 2 days. Now there's only tomorrow to survive, with a busted knee, and becoming very overtired.
Oh well. One more day. then I can sleep. for the rest of the week. Then preparation for the big intensive weekend rehearsal for the Musical.
yay.
I don't have self-care for tomorrow, because I'm doing the same thing as the last 2 days. But after that, I should be able to. Drawing and stuff like that.
But I'll be fine. I'll look after myself, and trust my limits.
I'm fine.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx it sucks when that happens..
It's good that you know your limits. I hope your knee starts feeling better soon though...
I hope so too.
Welp. Last day of S.H.A.C.K. camp. Let's hope I don't pass out. That would be bad.
But last night I started getting stomach cramps, and I have them still. Only mild ones, but they're really annoying me. =_=
I guess I did make it through, @Tiny_leaf.
But again, that whole scene is replaying and making me feel worse physically, more than anything.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I know that this is a weird suggestion, but how do you feel about playing Tetris or something similar?
It uses the same part of your brain that causes you to replay what's happened, and some people find it useful to reduce flashbacks.
I have to go to bed, before I make myself worse tomorrow.
But I think I will at some point tomorrow. Tetris is a fun game.
Goodnight @Tiny_leaf. Thank you for the suggestion. I promise I'll be feeling better by tomorrow.
That's okay, we all need time to ourselves at some point.
Yes, it has really upset me, but I have to get used to it.
Thank you. I guess It's just hard, because so many other girls are thin and flat chested, but then there's me. Curvy and round. With more-than-a-not-so-flat chest. But then again, we all hate our bodies at some point.
I guess that's not the reason though. Sport is my favourite thing in the whole world. And going to the gym to help distract me from my problems is always something that's helped me. Now I'm banned...
Thank you @MisoBear. That really means a lot to me. 🙂
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
Sorry for the long wait for a reply, I've not been doing that great at the moment so have just been taking a little time for myself. I'm sorry your hair colours didn't quite work out as you'd hoped! I'm sure they still look great 🙂
I'm so sorry your GP has told you not to do the thing you love, sport. I'm hearing that that is really upsetting to you and has brought up a lot of worries. I just want you to know that regardless of what you look like, what your health issues are, and what you're feeling on the inside, you are so worthy of love, acceptance and all the good things in this world. It sounds like you're doing all you can to look after yourself and that this is something that is out of your control.
I'm sending all the good thoughts your way ❤️ How are you feeling today?
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
I can really sense that you're grieving being able to play sport - anyone who has been through this kinda thing would understand how hard it is to let go of something you love. I'm really happy you turned to the forums for support Is it possible for you to talk to your doctor about how this has made you feel and explore if you have any options for physical activity?
But I'm sorry, no.
My skills do not need work, and I want to exercise, not play instruments or sit around drawing...
It must be really hard not being able to do the thing that makes you feel yourself! Perhaps this will give you the chance to work on your artistic/ music skills!
Yes, I may have to go and travel to one, but that's fine. I'm still waiting for my gp to find one.
I may not be able to do that diet thing, because I just tried, and I had apple crumble and a little custard after dinner. Plus chocolate for afternoon tea. Not much, but still. I'll try again tomorrow, and I think I'll just keep trying until I get at least a week of going no sugar/healthy.
I haven't followed my gp's orders yet, because I don't have to follow them. My mum was the one who said that. Now I'm trying to find the right decision.
I can agree with that @Claire-RO. But I won't feel as happy as I normally would. Exercise is what keeps me going. And it makes me feel like I can prove myself by doing sport and gym. I mean, I'm better at basketball than most girls, and some boys too.
Haha, yes, art makes me feel better, sort of. I get my arty side from my mum. And musical. And performing arts. Et cetera Et cetera.
I made another thread, which we can talk there later.
It's called
TW: I just want to be vulnerable right now. I'm sick to the death of all these appointments.
It sounds super frustrating at the moment, its not the same but I know when I had an injury that kept me out of soccer I got really worried I would be so unhappy because sport is everything to me. I was down for a while but then just like you spoke about having interests like music, I got to spend a lot time of time writing and making music, which I found made me happy in a different way 
Hopefully you can make some cool art, I am terrible at art I can't even colour in the lines haha.
Thank you, that's kind of you!
That sounds very frustrating, does that mean you will have to travel to go see one?
It may take a while to see physical changes, but making step by step changes to your diet you might start to feel differently?
