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Everyone really is leaving me...
😞
Yeah.. what the title says
My other thread was getting too long so I made a new one, don't mind me
@Lost_Space_Explorer5, I cannot put into words how sorry I am. I promised I'd be there for you through this and I haven't been and I truly am sorry for just disappearing. Everything just became too much for me and I really haven't been okay. I want to talk on here but am so paranoid since finding out. Long story short the bullying became too much and I am now homeless and living out of my car which is great. Anyway, I truly am sorry for upsetting you. I know I should have replied on my thread sooner but I just didn't know how. I'd rather not talk about me at the moment but I am going to make it my goal to log on everyday and check in to see how things are going with you. Again, I really am sorry and I didn't mean to push you away and upset you. I guess I just don't know how to cope when someone genuinely cares. I feel sick and hate myself for making you feel like I was abandoning you. I promise I will say goodbye if I leave. You have my word ❤ I really hope you're okay and I haven't lost your trust and screwed up our friendship completely!! If you'd rather not talk to me anymore I get it because I didn't keep my word and I know how that feels. I really am sorry. And more than anything, I hope you are safe and okay. I've been thinking about you heaps just too much of a mess to reply. Again, I'm so so sorry!!! I hope we can still be friends because I really value our friendship and I promise to try my best to not let you down again!!! ❤
I'm so glad to hear back from you, even though things are not okay atm 😞 I hope stuff gets better for you soon..
*sloth hug*
Thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ❤
I will reply to your other messages later if that's okay. Everything is just too much atm but I was reading through your new thread and felt terrible so just wanted to let you know I'm alive and am still here for you and I'm so sorry.
How are you feeling today?
Hey @MB95, that so so stressful that you're currently living out of your car. I am so sorry that you were made to feel so unsafe and uncomfortable - that is never ok. If you like, I can find you some resources for help - whether that's a shelter or housing support, or anything that might be useful to you right now. If you like you can share the state/closest large city, or if that's uncomfortable, I can email you some resources. I hope you're doing ok
Thanks guys. I forgot how much I need you all and how supportive this community is.
Don't be so nice @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - I DO owe you an apology or ten for not responding and causing you to feel the way you did! I truly am sorry ❤
I think it's amazing you will still get to see your CM around occasionally - do you think knowing this might help a little?
@MB95 Yes this is a very supportive community! We've got your back 🙂 And you absolutely don't owe me an apology or anything. You're not responsible for my feelings 😛 Whatever feelings I had weren't your fault, and they were up to me to work through. You had every right to take some time off, there's no pressure to stay on here. Even though I felt sad/hurt/resentful/worried, you can't actually MAKE me feel that way, and it's not like you intended that to happen. Those emotions just show me how much I care 🙂
You're going through such a horrible time atm, stop worrying about my feelings! I'm so worried about you being homeless and living in your car 😞 Have you done that before? Are you safe there from danger? And do you have access to stuff you need to survive? Do you have enough money for essentials? Also.. how are you charging your phone and stuff, I'm curious? Are libraries and stuff open at uni? Are there any friends or family that'll let you crash at theirs while you search for a new place? Have you told your psych/gp what's been happening?
oops I said I wasn't gonna ask questions... sorry... answer them if and when you want hehe
Sorry to hear that things have been difficult lately @MB95, I can't imagine how hard it must be to live within your car. I want to echo what @Lost_Space_Explorer5 has said about how you will manage the essentials. Do you have any supports around you that can help you with these?
I think these times are really uncertain and difficult to go through @Lost_Space_Explorer5 . So I don't think it is weird for you to be concerned about others passing away. I know that these times can be really confusing, so it is so important for us all to have support systems available (and use them!). Considering this, it is really nice to hear that you and MB95 agree that this community is supportive. The community will always be here to support you
I'm so sorry @Lost_Space_Explorer5. I wasn't thinking properly when I wrote back... I'm homeless but in the way that I have had to move out with no where to go. I ended up calling a friend from uni and am crashing at her place atm until I'm able to find somewhere. So as awkward as it is (we aren't very close) I did reach out to her cause I didn't wanna be literally sleeping in my car. And I meant living from it in the way that I have my shit scattered everywhere in it and it SUCKS. Anyway, I'll update you when I have more energy and answer your questions but I just realised how I'd worded that and feel so stupid so thought I better clear it up. Sorry for the confusion, my brain isn't exactly functioning right at the moment.
(TW) And I had a thought that I wish I'd killed myself years ago in high school so I wouldn't have to be here now and usually I'm okay with these thoughts cause there are people I can offload that on but now I'm back to being alone and I can't go back to that place I was in of being alone for so many years.. I've grown accustomed to feeling cared about and being able to talk to people. So the fact I had that thought scared the heck out of me because I wished it was true in that moment and I'm scared of myself. I don't know why it freaked me out so much seeing as I have these thoughts all the time
Aww @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ❤
My little sloth heart is bloody hurting. I really wish there was something I could do but we both know this next week is not going to be easy. Having said that, I do want to remind you of how incredibly strong you are and that you CAN do this!!! It's going to hurt like no tomorrow and probably leave you crying for days and feeling nothing but complete numbness (let's be real) BUT I do know you can do this. And we will all be here for you to help you though it ❤
(I've been signing on the last few days but it wasn't showing me notifications till now for some reason 😔). But I will do my best to just come straight to your thread instead from now on because I know this isn't going to be easy and I want to keep my promise to you!
Have you spoken with your psychologist about this at all? I know you were still learning to trust her, so just want to check in and see how that's all going?
And what about your group? I've never done group stuff before (they're currently trying to convince me 😂) so I'm not entirely sure how it works. But is there anyone there you feel you could trust or relate to to share this burden?
I know you don't want to put all this on your friend BUT... two things! 1) If she is a true friend she wouldn't mind and would want to help you through this. 2) You don't have to make it about how you're feeling. That second one might sound heartless written like that? But my back up psych often tells me (when I'm feeling scared and guilty about connecting with my friend) to not make it about me and my feelings. And instead, to just chat with her about random things and about her. I know how alike we are and my psych often suggests that because aparently I'm a caring person lol So hearing about how my friend is and helping her with random shit kinda ends up helping me in the long run because it makes me feel useful and like I have a bit of a purpose? Idk. How would you feel about connecting with them? I could even send you that muffin recipie I never got round to and you could bake them with her and then share the results with me? 😊 I just think it's important you do try and reach out. I know it's hard and I know you probably don't want too, but I know deep down you also don't want to find yourself in that really dark headspace again, so please, be kind to yourself and reach out to your friend ❤
I also just wanted to quickly touch on how you felt so scared of yourself. Reading this scares me. Because we are so alike. And I think we are used to having those thoughts but then sometimes there is this part of us that still wants to live and explore. But then in the scary times, the real dark times, it's like we don't care if we don't live and explore anymore? And then that part of us gets really sad and scared because let's face it, it really is sad when someone so young has a life ahead of them but doesn't actually want to live it because they can't handle the pain. So we are left feeling sad (as usual) but also extremely scared because that's when we realise things really are not okay? Idk. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but I do think I understand what you're trying to say because there's been a few times I've been so scared of myself, and it's often when I'm really not okay and no matter how strong I am, it's like the fight in me gives up. Idk. I really do hope that if I'm on the right track here (I'm probs not making ANY sense) but if I am.. I really do hope that you can find it in you to reach out to your psych and your friend. And maybe even your parents if you feel it? I know they aren't always the greatest supports but sometimes even just going and doing something as simple as the groceries with my mum can help. Sounds silly, but it just reminds me there are other things in life and I do have a mum if I need her?
I'm sorry if none of this made sense. I am very all over the place at the moment. But I'm here to listen if you want to chat and I promise to try and not send anymore novels! 🤣
I'm sending you lots of big warm and squishy sloth hugs!!!! You CAN do this. ❤
I know, I know.. it's cringy and probably makes ZERO sense! 🤣
But hang in there my baby sloth, it's what we sloths do best ❤
Ugh my mum asked me if I'd been crying in a joking way even though I had literally been putting make up on to cover the redness in my face. Then she said 'save it' as in I shouldn't be crying over this (I asked her what she meant afterwards). Then she told me to shut up and I called her a terrible mother 😞 Gah I shouldn't have said it. I ended up telling my friend this because I was so angry and she gave me the best advice to rip up paper and punch a pillow and I had so much rage I wasn't even aware of so that was good because I got most of it out. My parents are a lost cause when it comes to talking with them. Dad laughs everything off and mum makes me feel bad for her and for being useless 😞 And they make fun of me when I try to off myself or treat me like an overly sensitive kid.
@Andrea-RO I have tried that like with missing out on seeing what happens and it helps sometimes 🙂
@MB95 You write the longest posts 😛 My thinking brain isn't good at focusing atm but I LOVE the sloth pics they did indeed make me smile 🖤Ugh I am not ready for another bout of grief, I just got over my counsellor leaving. And my mum is making me feel weak for crying over my CM leaving. I ended up talking to my friend about stuff without putting in stuff that'll make her worry (like safety stuff). I used to burden her with that way too much. Hmm this group is all people older than me, I don't really talk to them 😞 And they all hate me. Because I spend the whole time scribbling on paper. Yeah I spoke to my psych, but it's like starting over and I'm sick of reliving all the stupid stuff that's wrong with me. I'm too mad at my parents atm.
(TW but I am safe-DON'T READ IF YOU AREN'T IN A GOOD PLACE) ******* Honestly I feel like they HATE me and want me dead and wouldn't even notice if I slipped away like they are trying to nudge me into killing myself because they are so sick of me. Like I'm convinced they want me to die painfully. But I can't go because my friend would be sad and I feel like there's a promise to my CM to stay alive and oh my goodness those sloths are so cute they're staring at me 🖤 ********(END OF TW)
I hope you're doing okay @MB95
omg your sloth captions are so funny hehe loook they are so sweet! Look at the noses!
I'm really sorry your parenrs aren't being supportive through this, it breaks my heart. But I do think @Eden1717 is right when she says a lot of the time parents have no clue how to react or what to do and they often don't mean to come across the way they do. My parents don't know a whole lot cause I've decided to keep it all to myself purely for that reason.. the little parts they do know are often joked about or they just don't know how to respond and it makes me feel even worse. But I am sure they don't hate you and want you dead! I understand how hard it is not to believe that, but remember when I thought that about my psych? I'm very slowly getting there and trying to tell myself it's not true and that the only reason I'm thinking that is because there is something deeper going on with me that's not yet been addressed.. still trying to work that one out, so I don't have the answers I'm sorry but maybe try and write out a list of things that make you believe otherwise and go against these thoughts? Like what about that time you went for a walk with your mum? Or a drive with your dad? Idk. Somtimes trying to focus on the more positive times with them helps me when I'm not in a good place?
I am extremely happy and proud to hear you reached out to your friend though!!! And I LOVE her suggestions, bloody awesome!!!! I've always wanted to go to one of those rooms @Eden1717 is talking about!! So if you happen to find one and go please let me know what it's like!!! But for now, ripping paper and punching pillows sounds like the way to go! Even screaming into a pillow is meant to be good too? 😊
How much older are the people in your group? I'm sure they would be happy to support you if you felt comfortable enough opening up? Or what about the person that runs the group? They might be able to help you in some way to build some friendships with the others? Like i said, I'm not quite sure how groups run sorry..
I'm doing okay today how are you guys going?
I'm sorry to hear that you've had a rough couple of days. You seem to be dealing with some pretty rough thoughts, especially the ones about your parents . I imagine it would be really difficult to believe that. Is there something they've said or done that's made you feel that way, or is it more just, your mind being a little bit mean to you?
I did that notice that despite feeling distressed recently, you are still making jokes and laughing, which is nice to see. Very resilient you are...!
It sounds like things have been really tough for you lately @Lost_Space_Explorer5. How are you feeling tonight? Have you been able to find some activities to do to help distract yourself? Did you want to talk a bit more about what you mean when you say you don't know if you can keep doing this?
I know you CAN @Lost_Space_Explorer5!! You're a fighter!! Please don't forget that ❤
Has something else happened today? Or is everything just becomming too much?
I know you can do this. Please be kind to yourself.
I just wanna check in and see how you're feeling this morning, cause I can only imagine last night was not an easy one..
Thinking of you ❤