Not sure what to do
Hi guys,
I'm new on here and just thought to try give it a go..
I'm struggling with alot of different things atm and feel like I'm starting to really lose my mind.
I've recently moved and started uni in a place I don't know anyone so feeling pretty alone.
I finally worked up the courage to see a psychologist but am worried I'm getting too attached to her because every time something good or bad happens she's the one I want to tell!! But then I also really struggle to tell her when I'm not okay because she is working really hard with me and I don't want to let her down so I'm scared to tell her the truth...
Any suggestions? Or is there anyone that's had a similar experience when seeing a psychologist? I just feel really stupid and pathetic for wanting to talk to her all the time but then also not being able to tell her things!?!?
Heya @MB95
Isn't moving such a stressful time? You are definitely not alone when it comes to feeling completely overwhelmed by the task of getting yourself set up. We actually have an article here on Moving out of home, that touches on some of this, if you ever wanted to give it a read 🙂
Also, I totally agree with @Eden1717 - shopping centres can be very overwhelming for a lot of people. I often get a sensory overload, which makes me feel/act differently than I would in a calm environment.
It sounds like you had a big day and that does lead to those spiralling thoughts of self harm/suicide, for some people. I want to acknowledge that it's actually really amazing that you pushed yourself to eat something, because not eating does impact mood but can be sooo hard to do when you're feeling anxious. I know it's really hard to not beat yourself up, but at this stage as long as you're putting something into your body, you are doing so well. One thing at a time 
Do you have anything nice you can do for yourself after the day you've had?
I did look at the uni accommodation last year but it's heaps cheaper for me to live off campus, plus I'm not fresh out of school so am a bit older than most on campus so not sure I'd fit in.
I'm not worried about being out of home because I've lived away from my family for a while but it's just not having a base and feeling really unsettled that's stressing me out. I'm staying at a friend's place at the moment but I feel kind of awkward cause we met at uni and aren't super close yet so I don't want to be tredding on anyones toes. She's been amazing and so accommodating but I just feel useless and pathetic that I don't have my shit together like she does. And my depression has kicked in big time so I'm losing motivation to do anything and even bother finding a place. Like honestly, part of me just doesn't give a shit if I end up having to sleep in my car. I just feel really down and shit. I just wish I had someone to sort it all for me because I can't deal with the anxiety and negative thoughts right now. I'm just exhausted.
Thanks for your comment about the food @Bre-RO. Do you think it's something I need to be worried about at all? Because it seems to always be a coping mechanism for me but just amplifies my negative thoughts and depression.
I didn't get up to anything because I had a 10hr shift but I guess it helped take my mind off things for a bit which was nice. I felt pretty disconnected and angry but was constantly busy so it helped.
I'm really sorry if my post is boring and crappy to read. I'm trying to keep it positive but am really struggling at the moment. I have my first psych appointment tomorrow since the break so am hoping that might help but I'm so stressed about it and kind of don't want to go anymore. I feel like life was easier just dealing with things on my own. Idk. Sorry for the rant. You don't have to reply, I just needed to try get some shit off my chest so thanks if you bothered reading to the end of this ❤
Thanks @Eden1717. I appreciate it ❤ I've been feeling like such a crazy person over it but I think it's maybe because I don't feel safe and need to trust my gut on this. Thankyou!
@MB95 those are some intense and threatening things that person mentioned not to mention incredibly immature so it is understandable you are reacting the way you are I cant say what would happen but honestly it isnt anyone elses business if you do want to move again and it doesnt matter if others think it isnt a big deal all that matters is that you can feel safe and comfortable where you are living and if that place isnt somewhere you can then it is ok to go somewhere else. I cant say what you should and shouldnt do but i think it is important that your safety comes first.
Yeah, it's hard to know what she's like cause I haven't really seen her yet. But since finding out my anxiety is through the roof. I haven't been able to eat or sleep and just keep thinking about the shit she put me through. Like I'm scared she's going to rock up at the house. I just really don't trust her. She talked about cleaning toilets with peoples tooth brushes she didn't like and her friends egging peoples houses they don't like so I'm just worried she knows where I live. I know I might be over reacting and thinking worst case but I can't stop it. Between that and the stuff about my friend with my psych I just feel so paranoid! I did just write a pros and cons list about moving though.. the pros seem to outweigh the cons atm so I have some serious thinking to do. Everyone seems to think I should move but I also don't wanna be seen as over reacting to something.. ugh. Idk. I'll work it out. I just wish I knew before I moved in cause I never would have!!!
@MB95 hmm that is a difficult situation. I think it really depends on the person like if the person at the new place is understanding and mature then they can probably not make a big deal out of it and treat you as an individual that being said not everyone is so it is hard to know. i think the biggest thing is that you are able to feel comfortable in your home so if you dont and it cant be resolved then perhaps looking at other options is going to be valuble.
I don't have the energy to reply to past messages sorry guys. I'm not in a good place and just re-reading them is a bit triggering so I'm gonna leave it. Sorry I never got round to replying. I do appreciate your replies though. Just not in the right headspace.
I do have something I need some advice on though that's less heavy.. I just moved into a new place and have found out (2 days after moving) that one of my housemstes is really close friends with my old housemate that was really nasty to me and drove me out of the house. So now I just feel uncomfortable and sick. Do you guys think I'm over reacting if I move out only after a few days of being here?
@MB95 I am sorry you are feeling so bad and that your family isnt a great support option for you. all your feelings are valid and i hope you can find some inner peace soon.
Please don't feel like you can't rely on us since your time here is limited. You are such an amazing member of this community and we want to support you as much as you support us
It sounds like things are really hard not having the support of your psych 😞 It must feel like you can't be honest with anyone right now about how you're feeling.. Is journaling helping with that at all?
And fair enough if you don't want to share with your family. I can also relate to that. Over time you kind of learn who is a good support for you and who isn't. Some people say the worst things or don't know what to say at all. Hearing those things from your family must be really hurtful. Do you ever chat to friends or housemates about how you have been feeling?
I did initially but now I just feel stupid for sending it. Idk. Part of me knows how rediculous it is and that I shouldn't but then another part of me literally cannot seem to cope until I make contact. I hate it.
I am enjoying being home with my family. It's been pretty intense at times but I guess that's just what happens in families. As much as we drive eachother crazy and don't always see eye to eye, I am loving getting to wake up and have them around me everyday. Also looking forward to a break lol
And no, I wouldn't talk to any of my family about it. It's too complicated and when I have tried to mention things I'm often told to stop over reacting, get over it, grow up, stop being stupid.. you know, all the fun things! They don't really believe me either cause I'm so good at hiding it that conversations never end well. It's hard to explain and I don't really wanna go into it but talking to my family about my issues is definately not an option. They're great and all but they just don't get it and I don't think they ever will. Mum just gets annoyed if I try to mention something so I try not to say anything anymore. I leave that for you guys and my psych 😂
Thanks @Taylor-RO, I don't really know what's going on with me. One moment I'm okay and the next I'm not. I'm just exhausted and over it. I don't really know what to do. I sent an email to my psych the other day to just pretty much say hello and let her know I had a bad day. She won't see it for a few weeks and I've told her to just ignore it cause I don't exactly need a response and I don't want to annoy her. I more just need to feel like I've somehow connected with her. I know it's pathetic and I really wish I didn't feel like I had to, but it strangely helps sometimes. Although atm I just really miss her. But I don't want to miss her!!!! So I tried that. I've tried journaling and breathing and meditations and stuff but not much is helping which is why I thought I'd try jumping on here for a chat! I'm just trying to stay busy. And I go home in 2wks!
I know you’re obviously home and away from your usual supports, so I am wondering about what you can do right now to get through your stay at your parents? I’m saying this so we can focus on things that are possible and doable for you. Also, when do you come home?
Hey guys, I've been trying so hard not to post on here over xmas/new years cause I really don't wanna bring anyone down with my mood when it's meant to be a happy time but I don't think I can leave it much longer. There's just so much going on inside my head and I don't know what to do. I am finding it really hard atm and my sleep has gone way out the window. I've had a few all nighters which I know won't be helping things, but no matter what I try I can't sleep. I'm really struggling and finding that my anxiety has gone through the roof since being home. I've been non stop keeping myself busy so I don't have time to think during the days but the nights absolutely suck and I don't know how to make it stop. I know it's pathetic but I am really missing my psych atm too and just really want to see her. I can't tell if I miss her so am feeling shit, or if I'm feeling shit and missing being able to talk to her if that makes sense. Idk. I just know I miss her. And I miss the other guys in the office I usually talk to. But missing them just makes me angry cause I know it's not normal and it's me being all attached and stupid. If anyone wants some seriously fucked up attachment issues I'm more than happy to pass them on cause I'm so goddam over it!! I just feel like crap but have been doing so well ignoring it all that I'm so scared to even engage with a single thought cause I'm not sure where I'll end up. It's just starting to all get too hard. I'm also starting to get really down about having to leave RO cause I'm nowhere near ready and don't know how to be. I'm trying so hard to not post on here anymore to prepare myself but I just fail every time cause I feel like this is the only place I feel safe to speak openly. Thinking about losing RO also gets me thinking about losing my psych and without the two I'm not so sure I can do it. I'm not even going to go there cause I know it won't end well. Idk. My head is just a mess. So much has happened and is still happening and I don't know what to do. I just wish it would all stop. I wish more than anything that I could be normal but I don't know how to be. I try so hard but it never lasts. I guess being home is making me more angry at myself with comments being made and me constantly having to hide everything. Trying to be normal is fucking hard work and it's all making me realise how fucked up I actually am. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things. I wish I wasn't this person because I fucking hate who I have become!!
hey @MB95, it's good to know that you're feeling a bit more settled right now, though things still must be feeling quite shaky. I hope that you can really enjoy spending time with your family today and that you can keep checking in with us if you need 
You're not wrong there @Andrea-RO!! I'm okay atm I think.. think I just needed some time to try and process it? And by process I mean distract the hell outta myself until I forgot 😂 I've managed to shut it off for now which is good cause I'm not ready to talk about it and don't want anything to ruin my time with my family!! I'm heading home today so hoping that being around them will help. Thanks for the offer to chat things through, I really appreciate it and know I need to but it's all around 'trauma' so I'm kinda scared to bring any of it up on here. Especially when I can't see my psych at the same time. But thank you for asking!!
Hey @MB95, that does sound like a really exhausting thing to have happen - I always feel like breakthroughs are a bit of a double edge sword, because they can be so relieving in a way, but they can also take a lot out of you as well. How are you feeling today? Did you want to talk through some things?
I'm feeling really weird. I just read something that I could really relate to but also found really triggering so I had to stop cause I got teary and now just feel numb and really not okay. My instinct is to talk to my psych cause I'm scared and really don't want to go back there but she's not available for a month now. Like I'm okay, I'm safe and stuff, I just don't feel okay? What I was reading just makes so much sense and now it's making a lot of what she has been teaching and telling me make sense and I just feel really off. Idk. Like in one way I kind of feel relieved because it explained some stuff and I feel proud of myself for letting myself recognise it and can't wait to tell my psych cause I feel like it's a bit of a breakthrough and I know it will make her happy but then it's also making me really sad and numb and I can feel myself starting to shut down because I don't want or know how to deal with it. I just feel a bit yuck. I wrote in my journal cause I didn't wanna annoy you guys but I just feel like my journal didn't cut it and I need to actually tell someone I'm feeling a bit off. I really don't want this to be the start of things, especially right before christmas! I'm hoping I just need to sleep on it but part of me also feels an episode coming on that I'm not entirely sure I'm prepared for which is making me scared. Any ideas on how to bounce back from a triggering read and thoughts? I'm gonna go with sleep and distractions for now but if anyone has any other suggestions I'd love to hear them?!
@MB95 thinking about that sort of stuff can be hard but it can also be helpful in some ways. i must agree dogs and animals in general are amazing.
I'm okay @Eden1717, thanks for asking! Just doing a lot of thinking atm and trying to work out and make sense of why I am the way I am which is hard and doesn't exactly sit well but hopefully I'll get there 😊 @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I am definately no master baker lol But I do enjoy it. And I know right @Bre-RO! Dogs are the absolute greatest!! I cannot wait to go home in a couple weeks to see mine and smother her in cuddles 😍
Hey @MB95 its nice to read that you're feeling a bit better and that you can even laugh looking back on things! Playing with my dog is my go to when I need to be cheered up, it's amazing how much it helps 🙂
