Not sure what to do

Thanks for checking in @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - you truly are amazing ❤

Just trying to get my head straight so decided to take a couple days out from life and my phone lol 

I spent the entire day in the garden yesterday fixing it all up and then we welcomed my new housemate into the house last night so I was a bit distracted sorry! Was a big day and now I'm exhausted and in so much pain 🤣

But I'm okay. I'm feeling less stressed with no uni assignments so it's giving me some time to think and try get things together. Thanks for checking in though, I really do appreciate it❤

Hey @MB95, how're you going? I didn't see you on the forums yesterday, hope everything is okay with you 🙂

Edit: I'm here to talk if you need (to chat or play pictionary, etc.) 🙂 I hope you're just taking a little break from the forums and nothing bad has happened 😞

Thanks for checking in @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ❤ I did see your posts earlier but I'm really not having a great day and can't seem to muster up the energy to put a response together I'm sorry. I do REALLY appreciate you checking in though, it means alot so thankyou. 

Hmm.. okay, I'll see if I can give it a try tomorrow @Lost_Space_Explorer5 if I've got more energy then today! And I do like the sound of the sushi train. I tried the stream thing last night cause I couldn't get to sleep so was trying so hard to visualise it but man it was hard!! I felt like my leaves just kept getting stuck on rocks or something haha I understand the concept though, it's just getting it to work for me that's the issue. I'm not sure, I think it's part of CBT? But my psych and I are learning CBT doesn't quite work very well with me.. it's frustrating but we are trying other things too now so hopefully I'll get there eventually! 

I did think of that but it's not a public holiday here which I guess is maybe why I got upset. It's just annoying. I don't mean to or want to get upset over it but I always do. I think it's just cause when I go really downhill she's the one I want to talk to whereas she doesn't work Thurs/Fri so I often end up talking to my 'back up psych' who is also awesome. But I just guess I get to Monday and hope she will check in and make sure I'm okay and if she doesn't I get upset cause often it's been a difficult weekend and I feel I need to talk to her when I'm in that state. It's hard to explain. It's all good though, I'll get over it! I'll have to keep reminding myself about all her other hats haha I love it!! And I didn't mean to sound dramatic. I totally get other people feel pain, and probably even worse pain then me. I just feel like no one understands me? Like no one in the 'real world'. People on here are the only ones I ever feel I can truly relate too and it kind of sucks because it's not like I will ever get to meet any of you! Idk. I just feel weird about it. 

Thanks for checking. I am feeling a little better now - I forced myself to get up and cook a meal and prepare some snacks for uni tomorrow and had a shower so feeling a little more refreshed. I find complete distractions like that kinda help me shift my thinking which is good. I'm avoiding getting into bed now cause that's where all the thoughts truly start haha But yeah, I'm safe. No matter how bad things get with me I'm usually pretty strong and am able to stop myself before things get too out of hand, thanks for checking though. I appreciate it! 🙂

@MB95  That is fair enough covid has interrupted so many different things. Hopefully soon you can figure out a good plan with the psych. 

Thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5 

I'm not sure. I tried to keep myself busy today by getting some shopping and washing done which kept my mind fairly distracted this morning but I guess it just got harder when I got home and was left to my thoughts. I'm living alone at the moment so it's pretty quiet round the house! I did check my email (cause my phone is playing up) in the hope my psych had emailed me after Friday but she hadn't so I guess that just made me feel even worse. I know it's stupid and I shouldn't think it but it just made me feel like she doesn't care about me. So I just feel really alone and like no one will ever understand the pain I feel. 

I have heard of the worry time method but to be honest I've never tried it.. it's one of those homework things my psych suggested but just made me feel stupid for having to do. Idk. I'm pretty exhausted now but might try and give it a try tomorrow. I've never heard of the sushi train? But it might be similar to one my psych uses about a leaf flowing down a stream or something? Like to imagine them being your thoughts or something? Idk.

Also.. I totally think you should use that saying about your psychological support hat! It gave me a good laugh - loved it!

Hey @MB95 I'm here, what's up?

Anything in particular you wanted to chat about? 🙂 I can find some more random questions 😛
HAHA noo I just made that up on the spot. You know how they say you put on different hats for different roles?? Hey that's okay that you can't get past them, I was asking that mainly to see if you felt 'in control' of your thoughts, because a lot of people (including myself) feel that they aren't. With time, you can 'train your brain' to attend to the thoughts you want, and ignore unhelpful ones. Have you ever tried the 'worry time' method? I found this really helpful when I was unable to stop worrying. Also the 'sushi train' analogy was helpful for me, have you heard of that?

Happy to chat about anything if you're not wanting to talk about your thoughts right now 🙂

Thanks guys, I'm not really having a great afternoon so if anyone is around and feels like a chat I'd love it! I just need something to distract me from my thoughts..

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 haha - your psychological support hat, I love it! Is that what they call it in uni or is that what you call it? And I don't want to sound ungrateful because I do get what you mean by not giving them attention but no matter how hard I try I can't get past them. Sometimes I might have a good few hours where I'm not negative towards myself but it never lasts. I don't know why but I just really hate myself. I try not to cause I know I'm never going to get anywhere but I really can't help it. 

Thanks @TOM-RO. It makes sense, I guess I just have to work out how to work up the courage to try and talk to her. 

@Eden1717 my psych and I did try just before COVID happened to set me up a weekly planner but it didn't quite work. We made a to do list first off which I was to complete that week and then the following week we were going to fill in the daily planner. Except the following week never happened.. I've tried to make one on my own cause she has obviously forgotten about it. So I'm just going to try and start with my sleep first and see what happens idk.

@MB95  Yeah the thing with helplines is that every person on the other end will be different so you could get someone who is great or you might not for me I have only had a few who I felt actually listened and many who I felt didn’t so in terms of my choice around using helplines I suppose I am cautious and rather chose to protect my feelings in advance which is why I only use them in certain situations so that the element of chance isn’t going to leave me feeling a lot worse. And routines are also super hard but they can be helpful. I really think maybe it might be helpful for you to sit and talk through all this with your psychologist like I may be wrong but it sounds like you need to know what the plan is with the type of support you will be getting or need and maybe talking to them might help you figure all that out so there aren’t so many open and unknown elements around your care.... idk just a thought. 

Hey @MB95,

@Lost_Space_Explorer5 has done a really great job offering their observations around the quandaries you've been having around therapy, and I just want to offer some reassurance around some of the fears you mentioned about talking with your therapist.

I can definitely understand why you would feel worried about having a conversation about your therapist about such a difficult topic, but I agree with @Sophia-RO's post that your therapist is a professional and she would probably really appreciate that kind of feedback and being able to have a straightforward conversation about what's working, what isn't working, etc. 

I think what can be helpful to think about here is that a good relationship between you and your psychologist will never be one-sided, with one person making all the decisions about what to do. It's up to you and your therapist to work together to figure out what's best for you, and even if your therapist suggested maybe talking to someone different, you can definitely say that you're not ready yet, that you would like to continue working together, and that you two can explore other options.

I hope that this info maybe helps with your situation; at the end of the day it's definitely up to you to think about what might be best since nobody knows your situation better than you do!

Wow @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I didn't realise your counselor was from KHL - like I never realised they did long term? I just assumed you called and would be put with a random person each time? That's actually amazing you were able to chat to the same person each time. I feel like I'd probably be more open to it if that was the case but I don't know. For now I think I'll just forget the helplines but it's nice to know that! Maybe I'll try them instead in the future if I decide to give a helpline a go again. 

Hahahaha! I loved your comment about graffiting the homework with cats and making it a conversation starter haha Gave me a good laugh so thanks! You have a great sense of humor!! (I would insert emojis but I'm on my laptop and can't work out how lol - having serious issues with my phone atm!!). Thanks for the kind words too ❤️ I always feel like I'm wasting her time and find it so hard not to think so but thanks, I do appreciate it.

I hadn't actually seen it as me avoiding it.. but I guess it kind of makes sense? I don't know. I guess having to do it just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me? Like I just feel stupid because other people my age aren't doing it. I just feel like I shouldn't need it and it makes me feel childish? I'm also a bit of a perfectionist like you said so I am scared to write anything in case I don't do it right and my therapist sees and thinks I'm stupid. Like I'll often understand what I have to do when I'm with her but then when I take it home I forget and get confused and just feel pathetic. I don't know. I just feel like such a waste of time and it makes me feel like maybe I don't want to actually get better? Like I tell myself I do but then if I can't do the simple things she asks of me then do I really want too? I just feel like I should be putting in a lot more effort to make it work but I don't have that effort or kind of energy? 

Wow okay.. I think you just hit a point there and got me thinking and rambling again haha sorry!! 

Thanks @Sophia-RO ❤️ 

I've thought about bringing it up with her, I just don't know how and I'm kind of scared about what she might say because what if she says I haven't made any progress and she doesn't want to work with me anymore? I'm not quite ready for that. Like a break, maybe I really don't know, but definitely not for her to end things completely or refer me out. 

We've also had brief conversations and in so many words she's let me know she knows CBT isn't working for me so I think she kind of maybe knows. I don't know. I was telling @Eden1717 the other night that she mentioned a possible diagnosis and that DBT would probably work best which she isn't trained in so if I was to see a psychiatrist and they diagnosed me then I may need to be referred out for more specialized treatment. But I also don't want to work with anyone else. It's taken me 10yrs to reach out to anyone and a year to start trusting her and trying to open up and I really don't want to start that all over again. I have noticed she is trying what I think might be DBT with me at the moment so am not sure. She also wants to do EMDR with me so I don't know. Now I'm rambling and I don't even know why or what about sorry!! I can't even remember where the hell I was even going with this! 

Hello @MB95 , I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling lost and confused. By the sounds of it you have been thinking deeply about this and have considered what it would be like for you if you did stop seeing your psychologists. I don't think that I can add to much to help you out as Eden1717 and Lost_Space_Explorer5 have done excellent jobs so far as they have included some very useful information. I would just have to echo both of them by saying that the choice to continue seeing your psychologist is completely up to you. It does not say anything about your character to see or not see a psychologist. I guess I would also add that you might find that bringing this up with your psychologist might open up the discussion and bring a perspective into light that you have not considered before. So it might be a good idea, if you feel comfortable bringing it up with them !  

I imagine that it can be really hard to tell your psychologist when something is not working! But I don't think that they would get offended or upset. I actually think that they would encourage the feedback as they share the same goals with you around getting the most out of therapy. I understand that it won't be easy, but it might be helpful to approach your psychologist about this by asking them to explain the purpose of therapy and letting them know that it has not been working yet for you. You may even find it helpful to ask if there are any other treatments that they know that would help you. Hopefully that works!

Hey @MB95 I've just come across this thread, I hope you don't mind me jumping in! I've skimmed over the thread a bit, but forgive me if I say something you've already tried or ask something you've already answered! 🙂

I think it's pretty normal to be second guessing deciding to do therapy- it's ultimately up to you to make a choice to continue or not. You don't have to pressure yourself into making the perfect choice 😛 I totally get feeling like you want to deal with it all on your own 😞 About a year ago, my parents had no clue I was seeing a psych and had problems. It was a nasty shock for them finding out when I was put in hospital lol... I would always try to fix their problems. It was okay for a while but then it starts getting to you, holding all that stuff up by yourself. So I think I understand even slightly how you're feeling? I thought I was fine back then and that I shouldn't have asked for help but I was running of pure anxiety and denial in hindsight hehe 🙂 Anyway enough about me, I just wanted to say I get the doubting mindset!

Getting support does not mean you're incapable of coping on your own. In fact, it means you're starting to help yourself and address all the stuff you've been bottling up. Therapists are not magicians hehe, they don't fix your problems for you 🙂 You can get stuck in the mindset of feeling like you're 'reliant' on them. But really, a good therapist should be giving you the tools you need to cope on your own, and build positive strong relations in your life. Therapists can point you in the right direction and listen to you, provide you with skills, but ultimately, YOU are doing all the work 😉 (well MOST of the work). There's no line between who needs therapy and who doesn't, it's up to the individual to decide. If you think you need help, you should ask! And they say it's always better to see someone sooner than later.

I'm sorry to hear about your negative experience with the helplines, have you tried kids helpline? They're generally pretty good! I'm sorry you're feeling alone 😞

It's cool you have so much insight into yourself and your way of thinking! I totally understand feeling trapped. It sounds like your self-reflection has become self-criticism 😞 so I don't blame you for feeling like this! Perhaps you should aim to take smaller steps towards 'fixing things'. e.g. What would be the first step towards becoming more open to change? What would it look like? What small thing can I do today to move closer to my goals?

Sorry for rambling 🙂

@MB95  It is ok to be confused and overwhelmed, it sucks and it doesn’t feel nice but it doesn’t make you weak or a bad person for feeling that way. The helpline issues is super hard for me I tend to avoid them if I am just generally feeling bad but I might try them if I have a very specific issue I need to talk to them about that way it is easier to steer the conversation and to keep it away from the standard “what is something you can do to get through the night” questions that I kind of hate and find unhelpful. Sometimes I just want to let out my feelings and don’t need someone to list the things I have already been trying that aren’t working. I mean everyone is different but it just isn’t helpful for me and I am sorry if you are the same because it can make it really hard to get support. There is no reason that you should or shouldn’t be seeing a psychologist and seeing one doesn’t mean you aren’t a competent person it just means you need some help or support with something which is normal and ok. Do you find having a routine helpful? Sometimes some people who have a chaotic headspace find it comforting to have a set routine then at least their outside world isn’t so messy.... idk if you are that sort of person but do you think finding some way to make things less chaotic in one space would help you feel less messy mentally? Idk I don’t have answers but you can always share your feelings here if that is what you need to do and we can at the least listen even if we can’t make things better for you. 

Thanks @Eden1717. I really don't know why or what I'm thinking or should be doing at the moment. I just feel really lost and confused and like I can't keep my head above water. One moment I think I really need to be in therapy and the next I don't think I need it at all. It's not because I'm exactly running away from things. Like I do want to work on stuff but at the same time it all becomes too much to handle and I feel like I can't do it anymore. And then when I get like that I get far too reliable on my psych when I don't want to be. I want to be able to deal with it on my own which is why I was thinking maybe a break would be good to try and get my head straight and take a break from it all cause I'm finding it a lot harder than I expected. But then I also struggle getting through a full week without support? Idk. I'm just so lost!! Cause then I spoke to my mum briefly today (she doesn't know about my mental health) and I felt like I was capable? I have to hide it with her so I feel like talking to her makes me feel stronger and normal because she is always coming to me for advice and help and talks about my brother and sister having issues but thinks I'm perfectly fine? So then I think I am and I feel guilty and like I shouldn't be seeing a psychologist because I'm actually fine? I don't know if any of this is making any sense at all. I'm just so confused!!! I tried to contact Beyond Blue and the Suicide Call Back thing yesterday but honestly think that's the last time I will ever try them. They just make things so much worse. Exactly like you said!! The person at Beyond Blue just told me I need to go to the hospital and sort it out because it's more serious for them to handle. Which, yeah, in a way I get it but I also know a hospital is not what I need right now?! I'm so sorry for rambling. I'm just so confused and don't know what I should be doing. I just feel so alone in this and don't know who to talk to. 

And thanks @TOM-RO. I really don't know how to tell her what's working and what's not. I don't want to upset her in any way because I know she is working really hard with me and sometimes I feel like she is putting extra effort in with me when she probably shouldn't be so I feel guilty she is trying to help me and then when things don't work out I feel really bad. I don't know. And I know I have a pretty good insight into how I think and quite possibly why but I can't ever seem to act on it to fix things which feels like a curse!! It's like I know all this stuff about me and quite possibly why I see and react to things the way I do but then I can't seem to fix them!? I HATE IT!!! Just makes me feel even worse.