Not sure what to do
Hi guys,
I'm new on here and just thought to try give it a go..
I'm struggling with alot of different things atm and feel like I'm starting to really lose my mind.
I've recently moved and started uni in a place I don't know anyone so feeling pretty alone.
I finally worked up the courage to see a psychologist but am worried I'm getting too attached to her because every time something good or bad happens she's the one I want to tell!! But then I also really struggle to tell her when I'm not okay because she is working really hard with me and I don't want to let her down so I'm scared to tell her the truth...
Any suggestions? Or is there anyone that's had a similar experience when seeing a psychologist? I just feel really stupid and pathetic for wanting to talk to her all the time but then also not being able to tell her things!?!?
Hi @MB95! Welcome to the forums!
I think it's great that you've started seeing a psychologist. It can be so hard to work up the courage to reach out and seek support, so well done! 
I think what you're experiencing is a really common issue. I also find it hard to tell my supports how I'm feeling, especially when treatment hasn't helped.
What has helped me is recognising that there is no 'one size fits all' treatment, and that it can take a lot of trial and error before you find something that works for you. I think a lot of psychologists and professionals enjoy receiving feedback because it helps them know if they're on the right track.
I sometimes keep a record of my symptoms (there are lots of apps like this, or you can make your own chart/tracker) or write down what I want to say to a professional, because it's easier for me to remember to say how I feel that way.
Are you able to get your psychologist's email address? Some people find it easier to communicate via email.
I think @scared01's advice is great too.
Hey @MB95 🙂
As someone who sees a psychologist frequently myself, I do have moments where I have that need to share with my psychologist what happened. For me, this thought is usually about gaining support, but it can also be around sharing with her how I managed in that situation etc. I guess it depends on the why you feel you want to share with the psychologist and if they are the only person you feel like sharing it with, eg there are things that I'll go I must tell my psych, but I also tell some close friends too because they understand. I think @scared01 has a good idea of speaking to the other psychologist about it and seeing what they say 🙂
This part stood out for me
"We also spoke about how I'm struggling to tell her things and she's put a plan in place but I also find myself still not telling her the whole truth because I'm scared of losing her?
I just don't know how to get myself to be completely honest and trust that she's not going anywhere? "
This is quite a full question. And I wanted to confirm/ask, is the fear of losing her the only thing holding you back from being completely honest? Or could there be other reasons too?
I personally struggled a lot with talking to my psychologist and being open with her. For me it came down to physically talking about things. For as long as I can remember, I could always write my feelings more eloquently and truthfully than what I could speak to them. So for me whenever I had something really hard to express I would write it down and either email or hand it to her directly. It's still something I sometimes do today, but I'm getting to the point where I don't have to rely on it as much anymore 🙂
I wonder if showing your psychologist this thread or printing some excerpts from what you've written here and handing them to the psychologist might be a way to help express them to her?
I wanted to respond to part of your message separately if that's okay @Bee cause I have a couple of questions if you don't mind sharing?
It didn't really occur to me that maybe I'm struggling so much to tell her things because I physically struggle to talk about things.. I know that is definitely a thing for me too. I've always been the type of person that bottles everything up and then when someone asks me how I am I flip it back on them so I don't have to answer. I just hate talking about myself and am scared I'll just bore people or scare them away if I honestly tell them how I feel?
When you write things out for your psychologist how do you write them? Like do you just write dot points of things you want her to question you about or do you fully write it out? Cause I'm more of a writer too and have written her things before but then been too scared to give them to her so thrown them away..
Also, and I know this is super personal so you don't have to respond, but have you ever self harmed or tried to end things? And if so, how did you communicate that to your therapist? I find that's definitely one of the hardest things I can't seem to bring up with her at the moment because I don't want to freak her out. But at the same time I really want to tell her because I need help?! I'm so sorry if that's too personal, please don't feel like you have to reply!!
its really great to hear your have such a good relationship with your psychologist. I do understand your concerns about getting too attached though. do you think you could talk to her about what you've said here- the wanting to tell her everything, worrying about getting to close to her, but also struggling to talk about the things that are bothering you out of fear youd disappoint her?
Hey @scared01
Thanks for replying - I appreciate it.
She knows I'm worried about getting attached but I'm not sure she quite understands how attached I get to people. Like I stupidly keep wishing she wasn't my psychologist so I could hang out with her outside of our sessions and call her whenever I wanted? Like surely that's not normal?! 😔 I just feel weird about it and don't want to freak her out because she really is amazing and I don't want her to not want to work with me anymore.
We also spoke about how I'm struggling to tell her things and she's put a plan in place but I also find myself still not telling her the whole truth because I'm scared of losing her?
I just don't know how to get myself to be completely honest and trust that she's not going anywhere?
I can hear your concerns around this for sure!
maybe would you consider doing a session with another psychologist and see how you feel after it?
sometimes a fresh perspective from someone else can be helpful in these cases. sometimes when we get too close to our health professionals they become more like friends rather then trying to confide in them ie only wanting to share the good things, not wanting to disappoint etc. maybe this would be helpful or something to consider.
you may even talk to your current psychologist about it and just ask for a different perspective about the situation?
Kind of funny you say that @scared01 because I actually have an appointment with one of the other psychologists in two weeks as mine is away. I have thought about talking to her about it to get another perspective because it's been stressing me out so much. Like my psychologist is amazing, she is so caring and kind and patient with me, but also so professional. Like she hasn't crossed any lines or made me think we are friends or can be friends, that's just me with my stupid attachment issues. I just don't know how to stop myself from feeling this way and wishing I had someone like her in my life that wasn't my therapist you know?
@MB95 it is not super weird to feel attached to a psychologist. you talk about some really intense stuff with them and if you did that with any other person you would likely be very close and spend a lot of time with them and it can be hard for us to remember that a psychologist isnt like a best friend we share everything with. it is also much easier to get attached if you don't have a lot of friends because the psychologist forms a big part of your social interactions. if it is stressing you out and causing problems then it is probably best to talk to either another psychologist or the one you are seeing about what to do because it is best to deal with these things early on.
Thank you so much for your advice and messages!! @scared01 @WheresMySquishy @Bee @Eden1717
I have been studying for exams the last few weeks and kind of shut myself off from the world with stress and now that it's all over everything has kind of hit me. I don't have any social supports here and am feeling pretty down and lonely at the moment so THANKYOU. Logging on and reading all your messages has brought tears to my eyes and reminded me there are people that care so thanks, I really appreciate it ❤
I spoke with the other psychologist yesterday and she has helped me to try and see things from another perspective and thinks a lot of my stress about my actual psychologist leaving me is to do with my anxiety etc. and that if she was worried about my attachment she'd have addressed it sooner. Like you guys though, she has told me I need to be as honest as possible so I'm going to try my best on Tuesday to tell her how much I am struggling 🤞
I'm also trying my best to fight the thoughts in my head and branch out to make connections with others rather than just my psychologists but I always freak out and don't think they'd want to hang out with me outside of work or uni.. do you guys ever feel this way or have any advice on how I could just build the courage to ask them?
I just feel so alone and know that sitting around home is going to make me worse but just don't know how to reach out in person?
I have felt as though others' wouldn't want to hang out with me for different reasons. I guess something I've been mindful of is to try and figure out their views and opinions on different things before I disclose xyz about myself 🙂
I'm happy to answer a couple of questions 🙂
I do a bit of both. Basically it's whatever feels comfortable about that topic. Sometimes it's easier for me to type it all out and then have her ask questions in session. And I'll purposely put in details that I know I would find very hard to physically express in session. I start by writing her name which tells my brain who it's for and then it just flows. Sometimes I'll write something and I feel better by writing and I don't feel like I need to share it and that's okay too.
Handing them over or emailing them through was something that I found quite difficult to begin with aswell. I guess ultimately handing her the letter or emailing it through was easier than reading it out loud. We took it in baby steps, she would read them in session to herself, sometimes out loud, it just depended on how I felt. And after a bit, I have been able to become more vocal in our sessions and not entirely rely on the written form to communicate with her.
Yes, I have felt urges to self-harm and have felt suicidal in the past. When I was at my worst with self-harm and suicidal thoughts I was actually seeing someone different, a mental health nurse who I had contact with on nearly a daily basis. It was what they called "Crisis care" which is linked to the public system of mental health. At first, when I was starting to disclose those thoughts it was quite difficult and I found that it was actually easier for me to nod or indicate yes to the question of it than outright saying it at first. Of course, as I talked about it more, the easier it felt to discuss with my mental health nurse at the time.
I know it feels really hard, but others have said mental health professionals are used to hearing about these things. One thing that helped me was when my current psych told me that whenever I come into the session I need to try and not think about how she feels or thinks about something - that she is able to manage her own thoughts and feelings and is there to help me with mine. Sure she is human too and will feel sympathy towards what I'm saying. But trusting that she can hold herself together to enable me to share how I'm feeling was one of the most helpful things she shared with me.
I hope this makes sense.
(I haven't properly read the rest of the thread, I've skimmed through a few posts, but otherwise, I'm just going on what I've read and remember thus far 🙂 )
Thanks for answering my questions @Bee ❤
It's awesome to hear you are able to be more vocal with your psychologist now - I think that's so brave and only hope that I have that kind of courage one day. I wrote something out for my last session but when it came to the session I felt silly and couldn't work up the courage to give it to her. She mentioned something which got me on the topic and I told her I'd written something out for her but she didn't take it right then and there so then I felt stupid and didn't know how to bring it up again and give it to her later.. do you have any suggestions on how I could bring it up with her? Like how did you let your therapist know you had stuff you wanted her to read? (I'm not sure email is an option for me.. I haven't actually asked but I just get the feeling it's not).
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, I really do appreciate ❤ It makes me feel less alone to know others have/are feeling the same way. It sucks, but at least we aren't the only ones going through it I guess. I also LOVE what your psych told you! She sounds amazing and really supportive of you which is awesome! Just wondering how you managed to get yourself to trust what she had said and that she can look after herself? Like I get their in that job for a reason but idk, I just constantly worry about how I'm gonna make my psych feel if I open up properly?
@MB95 Maybe could you tell the psychologist you are really struggling to open up and that you have a letter that you want her to read sometimes you have to be direct with psychs...
Thanks @Eden1717 😊
I'm not very good at being direct but I know I need to try something because at the moment I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I did have something written out the other day to explain how I'm really struggling to tell her shit but obviously wasn't direct enough with her about it because she didn't ask to see it and then I felt stupid about wanting to bring it up again and give it to her..
@MB95 That is hard I used to write letters to my psych a lot because I couldn’t talk to them anyway sometimes it would be so hard to get them to just read the darn letter like they would say they wanted to talk first or they would ignore the letter that I had in my hand and sometimes they don’t want to read it because they want to see you when you tell them stuff like to see reactions which I get but I was never going to tell them anything if it had to be through physically talking so I ended up having to say can you just read this and ask me questions after or really be direct and say that it was important. But even then I would find some of them would skim read and then ask me a question which I literally answered in the letter and it gets so annoying. But anyway I would try being more direct with the letter part then you don’t have to be with the other stuff like picking the less difficult option.
Thanks @Eden1717 ❤
I have my last session on Wednesday for the year so will try my best to be a bit more direct with it and hopefully get some stuff out 🤞
It took some hard work and a great deal of trust in my psychologist but it happened. I am sure that one day you will feel ready and confident enough to trust your psych too Ah that sounds frustrating that you weren't able to bring it up afterward. That can definitely feel pretty sucky hey?
When it was new for me it was so much easier to say it at the start of the session and give it to her then, because then I couldn't talk myself out of it. I often still write things and don't decide until right before the session I want to share with her, and that's okay too. In that instance sometimes it is easier for me to bring it up at the start and say it's something I want to focus on a bit later in the session.
Ultimately, it can be scary to say "hey I've written this and I want you to read it now". I completely understand how that can be so intimidating. Maybe you could say that you've written some stuff down because it's hard for you to verbally get it out and really need them to read it properly in session. I hear that being assertive feels difficult and I get it, but please know that each time you try, whether or not you get the desired outcome, you are making progress, because you are challenging that part of you that finds sharing and opening up difficult.
You are absolutely welcome, reading others' experiences is something which helped me immensely so I'm glad you appreciate it
That is actually a really interesting question about how I let myself trust my psychologist that she could manage her own emotions and look after herself in session. For me, it was said at a time when I'd already done a bit of work with her and I had the ability to be able to look back on past sessions and realise that what she was saying was true. I know for me when I was starting my journey, hearing that others' could trust their psychs and be totally open with them and still continue to go back, it gave me hope that one day I'd get there too. I guess my biggest piece of advice would be to take it bit by bit, you may not be able to open up as quick as you would like, I believe that this would be linked to your personal experiences as to how quickly you can learn to trust someone. But to acknowledge when you make a step no matter how small. Even if it's something as simple as managing to look at your psych in the eye for 5 seconds. Or you felt a tiny bit less anxious inside yourself. Each of these tiny little steps means you are making progress. And I wish that someone had said that to me when I first started seeing someone face to face, as it would probably have helped. I hope this helps
@Eden1717 I'm sorry to hear you haven't had a great experience with being able to share things written down to your psych. I can imagine how frustrating it would be to have them skim over it and then ask questions you've already answered.
Thanks @Bee ❤ I'm hoping so!! It's been half a year but I feel like I'm FINALLY starting to feel alot more comfortable with her and trust she isn't going to abandon me. Like I do feel safe talking to her and know she is the right person for me 100% but my biggest fear is her not wanting to work with me anymore. But I feel like we are finally making progress with it and that once I'm convinced she is willing to see me till the end I'll open up and let her in and everything will just flow from there... hopefully!! 🤞
It was definitely frustrating not being able to find the courage to bring it up again and give her the letter because I did want to give it to her. So I'm going to take your advice on board and bring it up right at the beginning and hand it to her first thing so I don't have to worry about trying to bring it up while talking about other shit.
You seriously are full of the best advice!! 😍 I always love receiving your replies because you just seem to know what to say and how to relate! I hadn't really thought about the whole eye contact or nervousness during sessions before.. I know I can't look her in the eye when she brings up serious stuff. If it's general talk I'm often fine but if it's about me and something personal I can never seem to look at her. But I have noticed I'm starting to fidget a little less and feel a bit calmer and hadn't really thought of that as making progress before so thanks for that - it's a nice way to look at it. That despite having panic attacks and shit still (often before seeing her), I'm starting to be able to keep myself relatively calm during sessions where I used to be so tense and not be able to sit still. So that advice definitely helps!!! I've been feeling pretty shitty and like we aren't really getting anywhere cause I'm struggling to open up, but hearing your advice and relating it to my situation now makes me feel like I am making progress, even if it is only a little..
@MB95 that's awesome! I too felt that my psychologist was the right person for me soon after meeting her! 🙂
It's a valid fear, it can be so hard to put yourself in such a vulnerable place and open up to someone the way we do with mental health professionals. I wonder when you're feeling able to speak to her a bit more, if you'd be open to talking about these fears with her?
I'm keen to see how you go with bringing the writing up at the start. Can you let me know? 🙂
"You seriously are full of the best advice!! 😍 I always love receiving your replies because you just seem to know what to say and how to relate!"
This made me smile so much! It made my day!
I fidget ALLL the time in my psychologist sessions, and then I tried actually bringing something to fidget with and I noticed that because I was doing something with my hands, I didn't feel as anxious to talk to her. I use tangles (see images below) My last session I combined these two and made a long one and my psych was wondering how it was so long ahaha
I was so similar when I started, I had a mental health nurse tell me that she noticed a huge difference in me when we talked about everyday things to tougher things. And it was a tough barrier to break, but once I did it was a relief to realise I could trust myself to talk about the tough stuff in person 🙂
You're welcome, one thing that I've learnt that sometimes breaking it down and looking at the smaller wins can be so powerful in terms of recovery and feeling empowered. I'm glad I've been helpful
Oh god, sorry that's so long @Bee !! I have a bad habit of rambling when things are written 😔 That's one thing I've told myself, is that if I'm gonna write things out for my psychologist I need to try and keep them short cause she's not going to want to read a damn novel!!😂
Hey @MB95,
I definitely get your worries around speaking to your psych.
I’ve had many over the years and have definitely gotten better with the practice!
My current one of two years is actually leaving in a few weeks and whilst it’s sad and we got on and I could open up, I see it as a good opportunity to start fresh. There’s a clean slate that won’t be influenced by things I’ve said a long time ago that may not be relevant now.
I think writing things is a great idea, especially if it’s hard to talk. Even if it’s just dot points!
What’s also really helpful but scary to do, is to actually tell them you’re nervous or unsure. They will likely talk a little more and ask specific questions that means you can just answer without over thinking it.
I've gotten to the stage where I feel I can be open straight away. I just don’t have the worries I used to and I know it will all be confidential etc.
Practice makes perfect!
Let us know how you go and what you found scary or hard.
Thanks heaps for your message @Alison5, I really appreciate you reaching out!! 😊
I think you are looking at the situation of your psych leaving in such an amazing way! I wish I had that bravery!! I've only been seeing mine for about 6 months and I'm already terrified and upset for the day when she either leaves or I have to finish my sessions. How do you do it? Like look at it in such a positive way? Idk. I'm pretty terrible when it comes to attachment so am already freaking out about the whole idea that one day I'll probably never see her again. Even just writing that last sentence makes my heart feel heavy. Have you ever felt this way? I just find it sad and think it absolutely sucks that we can't stay in touch with them when it's all over. Is your psych helping you with some strategies to adjust? Cause two years is a pretty long time!!
Thanks - I have tried to let her know how hard I find it to talk and I think she's really picked up on it the last few weeks, especially when we touch on personal topics. I'm totally fine with general chit chat, still anxious but at least I can string words together. Whereas when it's about me then it's like it's a no go zone 😂 She does do majority of the talking and I usually just answer as best as I can. But I am trying my best to tell her when I'm uncomfortable.
I think it's so amazing that you're able to be open straight away!! How long did it take you to work up to that if you don't mind me asking?
And I will! Thanks for caring ❤
It could just be something that has happened over time, but I've really come to realise that there really is no point in worrying. I'll do my best to concisely explain this:
When you worry about something happening, you are essentially going through those feelings twice. Once when you worry about it possibly happening and then again if/when it actually does happen. And to me, the logical thing is to just remove that initial worry because you have no control overf events happening (such as a psych leaving etc.), so there's no point in having this worry that may not even happen. Does that sort of make sense?
It's basically my mantra that enables me to be positive on most things. I know what I can and can't control and I chose to just wait and see what happens. Why chose to be sad or anxious!?
I will just say that there are some definite negatives to this way of thinking if you become too extreme, but if you can adopt a little bit of that belief, I think you might find it helpful to just see how (almost) silly or unhelpful it is to worry before anything has even happened.
Sorry, I feel like I just said 'worry' like 100 times! Hahaha. I guess i'm just trying to say that things can really have a huge difference if you just re-frame them slightly.
And yes, I got really upset when my first pych moved me on (she didn't feel specialised enough). I was annoyed and upset because I actually wanted to talk to someone and then they couldn't see me anymore. I remember just looking at it (logically again) and seeing that it was neither of our fault, it was just the way it was. I also knew that if I held onto this and got really upset, that actually wouldn't change anything - it would just make me anxious and upset (like the worry).
Easier said than done, but continuously looking forward (or at least at the present) can help with those fears around separation or loneliness. You honestly never know what's around the corner but if you are forever hoping for something or dreading something, are you ever really living?
Anyway, I saw many other psychs and I moved on from leaving them just as I moved on as a person. In terms of adjusting to this recent move, I've already seen my new psych (so we are overlapping these last few weeks) that has been recommended by them. He's asked how it's going and if i'm frightened or sad or whatever, but for me, i'm not really feeling anything. Again, from a logical point of view, a psych is a psych and yes, you have to get on with them, but they all have the same end result in mind and that's to help you improve. Out of the 12 or so i've seen, there were only 2 that I didn't feel I was progressing much with (but not necessarily disliked).
Regarding the time it took for me to open up, it was quite quickly when speaking with strangers i.e doctors and psychs because I didn't have as many emotional ties to them. I couldn't really offend them or hurt them or go against their wishes, so I just let them do their job and for that to happen, I had to tell them everything they needed so they could help. It's with my friends and family that I find it more difficult because you do see them all the time and you have established relationships and they aren't trained to be non-judgemental etc. etc. So again, logic helped me through it and I have no issue speaking to any (somewhat qualified) person. The family and friends, i'm working on, but honestly, speaking openly is so liberating, especially given my fears around speaking with my family and if it helps, knowing they are legally bound by confidentiality (within reason) takes even more pressure off.
I'm actually so excited for you, because it does take those brave first few steps, but when you are able to speak openly, you'll feel it too - it's so freeing just to say it aloud and then any strategies etc. you're given are like a big bonus.
But keep asking any questions. I honestly think I just had to flick that switch and see the logic one day and I haven't looked back since (hence my poor explanations 😛 ).
Take Care!
Thanks for the awesome reply @Alison5!! There's no need to apologize, I get we all have our own shit going on and I hope all is going well for you ❤
It totally does make sense what you've said and I'll try to remember that way of looking at it when I'm worrying next. I can't promise I'll succeed at it cause worrying is something I've become quite the professional at over the years lol But I'll at least try!
I really appreciate you throwing in your experience about your first psych referring you on because she didn't feel specialised enough because that's recently come up in my session. We touched on the topic of eating and I was so scared she was going to refer me on but she's decided to just monitor it for now and see how we go thank god. I was also really annoyed and upset with the idea because it's taken me years to reach out for help and I knew that if she referred me on I probably wouldn't go because it's taken me about 6 months to get to where I am now with her and I'm pretty funny about letting people in. So thanks for sharing!! Was definately an experience I could relate too. You just had a much better way at looking at it which is great!
I'm so glad to hear your psychs are overlapping for you at the moment. That's so accommodating of them and must be really helpful with the transition period. Is this a normal sort of experience you've had when changing to someone else?
And I also have a super random question but do you ever buy (or feel the need to buy) your therapist a gift when you end the therapeutic relationship? Just something I've been wondering about for a while now..
I think that's so awesome that you're able to be so open right away! I wish I was like that. I'm still trying to get past my stupid trust and attachment issues while trying to convince myself that she isn't going to judge me by what I say or feel! I know I'll get there eventually.. or at least I bloody hope so!!
I really do love your positive outlook on things!! I'm currently trying to work on my way of thinking with my psych and she's not wrong that it takes a lot of time especially after thinking I'm worthless for so long but reading messages like yours definately helps inspire me to want to be able to think like some of you guys on here!!! It's definately motivating so thankyou 😊
I cannot wait to flick this switch you talk about because I can only imagine how liberating it must feel!!! Hopefully one day soon!!! I do know that having you guys on here to connect with is certainly helping me and I've been able to make a few small steps already so fingers crossed these turn into leaps and bounds soon 🤞
