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TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

Hi everyone

I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders. 

 

Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life. 

 

It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.

 

I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone. 

 

My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..

 

Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me. 

 

 

xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 01-05-2020 05:59 PM

Comments (18 pages)

 
 
 
 
 
Andrea-RO
Andrea-ROPosted 26-01-2021 10:30 PM

Oh that's super exciting @xXLexi_Lou122Xx ! I'll be on the forums tomorrow night as well, so I am super keen to hear all about how your day went 🙂 

I also did music and drama in high school as my electives! I really really enjoyed them, and I know how much you love performing so I am sure you'll love them as well 🙂 I hope you are able to change from health to music though! It would suck if you weren't able to be in that class, but I am sure your school will be able to organise something for you Heart

And that's so cool that you're in the band! What instrument do you play? I used to play the clarinet, (though I haven't in a very long time so I probably wouldn't be very good at it ahhaha)

 
 
 
 
 
Andrea-RO
Andrea-ROPosted 17-01-2021 10:08 PM

It sounds like you had a really lovely holiday @xXLexi_Lou122Xx ! And I'm glad to hear that you're excited to start school 🙂 do you know which classes you're most excited for?

Anonymous
Not applicable

 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 17-01-2021 10:10 AM
@WheresMySquishy yeah, I loved both days. 😄

Thank you, I actually can't wait, and its only 10 more days! 😄 I'm so excited!
 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 17-01-2021 10:09 AM
@lost_Space_Explorer5 Yeah, I'm excited because I actually said to her, "You have to let me fly out of the nest at some point, I am going to be 16 soon". She agreed when I said that lol. 😄

Yeah, the beach was good, except for the fainting, but it was really cool in the shade and in the water. I even tried gelato for the first time! It was delicious 😛

Yeah, fingers crossed. But I'm pretty sure that they won't find anything. 😐

Yup, peace and quiet is so good for me. Lol, my mum and dad all want the same, but they've accepted that they've had too many kids for that lol. Smiley LOL
 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 17-01-2021 10:04 AM
@Taylor-RO yeah... I hope I can get the diagnosis I need, but I kind of need it ASAP. If I don't get it before the middle of the year, I'm going to go into a very self-destructive state, and then I'll be forced to stay home from school by the principle because my GO will tell him and that will bring my self-esteem down even further because I've put the GO's job at risk.
But yes, when I finally get diagnosed, it shouldn't get that far. Hopefully...

Yes, I've done some fun things on the holidays. But its gotten quite boring, so I have extreme cabin fever lol. Smiley LOL But I have organised to have a violin lesson with my old teacher, who is technically not my teacher anymore, but she wanted to keep giving me the occasional lesson. She's working somewhere else now, and my school is finally getting a strings teacher, so its pretty good. 🙂

That sounds fun, did you go on the DC Hyper coaster? My sister did by herself, and she loved it. She's only 14, I will add, and she's the only one that enjoys high thrill rides. I'm glad she got to go on it though, it looks like we aren't going anywhere anytime soon with my dad's ankle being frustrating. He's got a lot of problems with it, but there's too many to list so I won't list them lol.
Yeah, but its fun watching everyone else, and the occasional run where no one screams. That was funny to watch! I quite like Wet 'n' Wild, mainly because it has a lot of calm rides I can do. I actually like fast rides, I just can't do heights or going upside down. *sigh*

Yup! I can't do pastels though, because of my natural hair colour. It's naturally a dark blonde - light brown, so the colours that are bright always show a bit dimmer in my hair. 🙂
Anonymous
Not applicable

 
 
 
 
 
WheresMySquishy
WheresMySquishyPosted 16-01-2021 10:23 PM

I'm so glad that you had a good day at the beach and got to spend time in the city with your friends @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! 🙂
Best of luck for when you go back to school. I hope this year is a great one for you!

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 16-01-2021 10:17 PM
That's cool your mum is giving you more independence in going to the city with your friends! @xXLexi_Lou122Xx It sounds like the beach was okay too (except for the fainting 😐 ) That's the spirit 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there' Smiley LOL Fingers crossed and waiting is all we can do at the moment! Yes, I can see why you would be looking forward to some peace and quiet. Lol, my dad used to say all he wanted for his birthday/christmas was some 'peace and quiet' Smiley LOL
 
 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 16-01-2021 10:13 PM

I am so sorry that it seems like you might have to wait a while to get an appointment @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. Hopefully you are able to get the diagnosis that you feel you need to be able to get the appropriate level of support. I am sorry that you have to go through this long process, it isn't nice to be told to get over it Smiley Sad

It sounds like you have been doing some fun things on the holidays. It must have felt exciting to get to go out with your friends without an adult. I also went to Movie World not that long ago but I love the high thrill rides. My friend was too scared to go on them, so I just went by myself haha Smiley Happy I also enjoyed seeing the characters and I recreated a photo I took there when I was really young. It sucks that you can only enjoy certain parts of the park though. Do you prefer the other theme parks instead?

Dyeing your hair is really cool and you have been so creative with your colour choices! I would love to have like a pastel pink.

 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 16-01-2021 09:05 AM
@lost_Space_Explorer5 It's all good, I haven't been on much. 🙂
I'm going good, I went to the beach yesterday, and it was better than normal. I don't exactly like the beach, but I went with some youth group kids, and it was pretty good. Except that I fainted multiple times on the car ride home. I also went to the city with a few friends, without an adult! My mum was hesitant at first, but she also realised that she needed to let me fly from the nest at some point. I am literally 15 and 4 1/2 months, so she let me. It was a good trip, too. We went bowling and walked around a lot. it was amazing!

Yeah, I definitely don't have any of the teachers I had last year that were mean, at least not this semester. I might next semester, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. At least I hope so, because I have a different Maths teacher, and she may or may not be crabby... I've never had her before, so I'm not sure what to expect. Actually, maybe I have. I'm pretty sure she was a relief teacher at some point for one of my classes. She wasn't too bad. 🙂

Yup, it is awesome!

It is definitely noisy here... it's mainly my littlest siblings, because they don't know how to behave. But school goes back soon, so its not much longer and I'll get to have peace and quiet wherever I can. 🙂
 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 16-01-2021 08:55 AM
@Sophia-RO yeah... It looks like I won't be getting in anytime soon. My mum is trying so hard, but they're all busy and unable to take anymore clients. I'm currently on the waiting list, and who knows how long those will be.... Not to mention how much money it will be. I've seen an estimate, and its quite a lot.
I'm not sure I could request the support that I need, its more that the GO and learning support staff will be able to do more for me. Instead of just saying that I have to "just get over it". When I get this diagnosis, maybe, just maybe, they won't tell me this and that I need ongoing support with my learning. I'm also trying to get diagnosed with anxiety or some sort of depression, but I'm not sure that will happen...

Yeah, the new physical symptoms suck, but they haven't really been happening much lately. I've been having normal episodes after camp, so I don't know what's wrong there. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Movie world is only good if you want to do all the high thrill stuff, and watch the shows. Even then, it's not the greatest for people who literally cannot do high thrill... I can't, it will make me pass out. I just can't do thrill rides at all. I can do the roadrunner in the kids section, but even that's embarrassing without a little sibling with me. I might try and find out if I could become one of the characters who do shows and stuff... That would be fun, and entertaining the people would be even more fun.:) Apart from all that, is was fun.

Yeah, I love dying my hair! I won't be able to do it in year 12, but I can any other time (except during school of course)! I have dyed my hair other colours in the past, so yes, I would. I've done Bright pink, bright blue, bright purple, a mix of those three colours, bright red, and I've also done what was supposed to be a bright-ish teal/turquoise, but it turned out more green. It still looked good, so I didn't mind. The dye in my hair has finally come out, with just a slight maroon tinge in the ends of my plaits. I'm just glad its gone now, because I didn't want to dye my hair brown! that would just ruin my natural hair colour! 😄
 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 15-01-2021 02:20 PM
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx sorry for the extremely late reply, I think I missed the notification. How are you going? I'm glad you won't have as many mean teachers (fingers crossed) this year. Purple hair sounds awesome! And yes, I expect it would be very noisy with all your siblings 😞
 
 
 
 
 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 30-12-2020 10:25 PM

I am sorry to hear about some of the experiences that you have had @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , it is great that you are still remaining hopeful though! I hope that you are able to get the support that you are needing, is there any chance that you would be able to request some of the supports that you need? Oh, sorry to hear about the new physical symptoms, I hope the neurologist will be able to help you out when you get a chance to see them! Ah, I haven't been to Movie World before. Sounds like you had a great time, hopefully you'll get a chance to catch Harley and the Joker next time and get your well-deserved photo! So awesome that you dyed your hair, sounds like it is pretty cool! It's nice to change things up sometimes! Would you dye your hair any other colours, or just purple for now? Smiley Tongue

 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 30-12-2020 11:01 AM
@Taylor-RO Yeah, but everyone keeps telling me to move on from it and find help... so I guess I have to do that. Even if the other 2 Guidance Officers I've already seen have also left me feeling a bit worthless and "fussy" when it comes to finding more help. They all just say, "But it was only one experience! Not everyone clicks straight away! Just try again, you'll find someone else!" But they don't understand that I can't do that. Not everyone is able to suddenly make new bonds after just having one of the bonds of a support that could have been good. That psych was nice, but she wasn't exactly helping me very much either...
Then there's the KHL and eHeadspace etc. They weren't helpful to me either...
I do hope that it will be better though, especially if I see a therapist that does art, music, or puppy therapy. Hopefully that will make things easier. Or if I get an ASD diagnosis, then even that will make me feel a bit better about getting support at school. It IS the schoolwork stress that makes me get depressed, so if I have better help with schoolwork, maybe I won't have this problem. *sigh* Its so much money and time taken away from everyone though... I just feel like I'm a waste of time, if no one gets me the help I need...

Yeah... it is... but I'm not exactly fed up with it, I'm just used to it now. Except for the new twitching thing, because that isn't normal for me. But I know it's normal for people to have a twitch when they faint, but because I've never had it before, my gp has referred me to a neurologist. The first episode I had, that had twitches, I was told actually looked more like muscle spasms... So I could potentially have had a seizure the first time, but I felt fine afterwards, do I didn't get sent home from camp because of it. It's more worrying and sometimes frustrating, then I am fed up with it. It's a part of my life now, so I better get used to hospital trips and appointments... -_-

I do hate sitting out of activities that I love, especially basketball and any sport I know I'm good at, but it IS for the best, so I'm used to it.

Yeah, I hope I don't have to wait too long either. I just want to get the test over and done with, because they're not likely to find anything unless I have an episode during the test. Which isn't likely considering it only happens at home or at school related things.... And it sounds a little scary too... 😐

I went to Movie world yesterday, which was fun. My feet are a little sore still, but it was awesome! I've been many times already, but it was fun, nonetheless. I am only a little disappointed, because I never got to have a photo with Harley Quinn and the Joker... they were literally right there, and then Harley decided to start a game of Tag with the Joker and run off... They came back when I was buying food for dinner, so I missed them again... But oh well, I'll find them again sometime! I have a VIP pass, allowing me to go anytime I want too. 🙂
Apart from that, I'll probably go to Wet 'n' Wild, and then do some other things with my friends if I can. 🙂

I also forgot to mention, I dyed my hair PURPLE! I did the day I got back from camp, and it looked so good, but now its started fading. But its okay, it was a really strong dye! I even dyed the shower and everything I touched for a week after I did it... 😄 Its okay though, I cleaned it up. I'll post a pic later on today!
 
 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 27-12-2020 09:50 PM

I am sorry that you have had some negative experiences which have left you feeling hesitant to seek support again @xXLexi_Lou122Xx Smiley Sad I really hope that the professionals you meet will be helpful and supportive as well. 

 

Wow that is a lot of flare ups! You must be feeling pretty exhausted and fed up by now. It really sucks that you have to sit out on some activities even if it is for the best. I imagine it must feel a bit isolating at times. Oh no, I hope you don't have to wait super long! Do you have any plans for over the holidays?

 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 27-12-2020 11:22 AM
@lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... It's only been 3 though, of the 7 I've had this year. And I'm only guaranteed to have at least 1 of those 3 next year, so that's okay with me. And it'll be for business, so I think I'll be able to cope with that. Just a semester. 20 weeks... 😐

Yup! I hate cabin fever, but I can't help that I love to be out of the house all the time. I much prefer to be around my friends, but only because they don't ask too much about everything. Nor do they make lots of noise like younger siblings do... So much fighting and yelling! *eye roll*
 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 27-12-2020 11:18 AM
Hey @Taylor-RO!
Yeah... I hope they're going to be good, because I won't cope with anything, if they leave the business or if they mistreat me. My last psych went on maternity leave, then the business shut down while she was on leave. I never saw her after that... Hence my hesitance about going to see others. And no, I'm not really looking forward to it, but it should help with my senior years. I hope...

Yeah, I've had many flare-ups this year. Last year I only had 5 episodes over the course of the year, whereas this year, I've had over 20... So yeah, I hope I can get fitted in somewhere. It is extremely challenging, especially when I can't do some of the activities I so desperately wanted to do in HPE and on camp. But I was forced to sit out, and it's probably better for me that I did. I'm grateful for that teacher and my bestie for making me sit out. And always being there for me when I have an episode.
I wish I knew how long I had to wait for, but I think it will be within the next few months. 🙂
 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 26-12-2020 07:52 PM
Ugh that really sucks that there are teachers who are mean to you for no reason 😞 I hope you don't take it too personally. It just reflects that there's something wrong with them to treat another person like that. Yeah I feel you, I always get cabin fever with my family during holidays- it's hard being around the same people all the time
 
 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 25-12-2020 11:54 PM

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, it is definitely hard to feel like you don't click with anyone. As you said, a good connection is needed before you can get support from someone. I know a lot of people feel that way too. Do you think that the new health professionals that you are going to see are going to be a good support for you? Is that something that you are looking forward to?

 

It sounds like you have had a few health flare ups this year. I honestly think that must be so scary and challenging! I really hope a space opens up for you soon too and I am glad that it will provide you better help at school. Do you know how long you have to wait for?

 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 25-12-2020 05:41 PM
@lost_Space_Explorer5 Yeah, that’s how I am with the teachers who cared more. I guess there are still some that I despise, because they act indecent towards me, and only me. Which is absolute bias, and complete bullshit. But that’s how life works, so I guess it doesn’t matter much to anyone who can make a difference, and make my school life much more easy... Smiley Frustrated Most of my teachers like me as a student though, so I’m okay with them. 🙂

Yeah, 4 siblings is kinda noisy, but its okay sometimes. But it is the reason why I hate holidays, and being at home all the time. There’s just too many people around, and one of my siblings just hates me, so I prefer to be away from everyone because of it.

I think it’s biology? Otherwise it’s just body science lol. And yeah, it is pretty interesting! Scary, but interesting! 😄

Yeah, I’m glad too. It’s about time that I go under examination from professionals. I was discharged from the cardiologist around the start of this year, but my episodes became more of a problem throughout the year. Ended up in 2 hospital trips, and a third and fourth should have been made at some point... 😐

Yeah, I figured they would be, but I still hope that the list gets shorter soon. I really really need that diagnosis... ASAP. 😐

Yup! And thankfully, this year is nearly over! 😄

Lol, I always overdo it in HPE and Interschool sport because of how competitive I am... I’m getting better at making myself sit out, but I still do overdo it quite frequently... Smiley LOL
 
 
 
 
 
xXLexi_Lou122Xx
xXLexi_Lou122XxPosted 25-12-2020 05:28 PM
@Sophia-RO yeah!

I hope things are better when I get back to school too... I don’t really have anyone, because they either have a duty of care, or they just don’t click with me the way I need. Which is hard, because I need people to click with me before I can actually get some good support. Not even my GO is very good at that... And I thought she was better than the one at my last school... *sigh*

The wait times are definitely bad, but I hope space opens up soon. I really need the diagnosis, in order to get better help at school. If I don’t, I’ll struggle a lot with my last 2 years of school...

Yeah, I can’t wait to get started!
I will, if it doesn’t rain... 😐
 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 24-12-2020 10:04 PM
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I feel you, I had some teachers that were nice and I was kind of attached to in high school. Just the ones that were like decent humans who cared about us I guess haha! Not that they weren't all decent. Just some seemed to care more? 4 younger siblings sounds very noisy eep

It makes sense you'd be watching it, biology (would you call it biology?) is interesting! And I'm glad you're finally being accepted to see a neurologist to sort out what's been going on hopefully. It sounds like things feel much more supportive and less stressful at the moment now that you're getting help for your mental health. Waitlists can be really long 😞 Especially through the public system. And especially at christmas time

You are definitely determined! 😄 And persistent in getting through this year!

I totally get the competitive thing lol. I get super competitive over the silliest things Smiley LOL

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