TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
Yeah, 15 minutes isn't too bad at all! I just hope that I don't need to get sent off to hospital again, anytime soon. Or even get the ambulance called at all! Hopefully that changes, when my referral to the school nurse is accepted.
I wish I could do that too, but I think that talking to her in person is the best way to get the message across. If I email her, she might misinterpret what I'm trying to say, and think of something different instead. I guess that happens with everyone I talk to (here is different), over text/email or in person sometimes. Its kinda frustrating, but it only hurts the most when someone close to me misinterprets one of my messages, which will say something along the lines of "I need help, I'm not okay right now", and then they'll get mad at me and say that I texted inappropriately or something...
That happened once, and I was already in a bad headspace, and that person decided to visit me at school and yell at/tell me off when they did find me. That was my mentor, and she was allowed to visit me at school, as part of the youth group visits she did. But it hurt, mainly because I was at school still, and I had a hard to deal with class the next session.
Haha, there I go rambling again! But yes, that is a less daunting way of doing so. 🙂
ohh sorry I misread that lol @xXLexi_Lou122Xx -15 minutes isn't too bad! Full pink sounds awesome! With your GO, if you did want to reach out to her, would you be open to emailing her as sometimes writing things can be less daunting? That is if you do have her email!
It does suck... but I'm also used to it, *sigh*.
I didn't wake up in the ambulance, but they had already called it by the time I'd woken up... They arrived like 15 minutes later, which good for time, considering how long I've had to wait for one before...
Hehe, I can't wait to show you my painting! Its very pretty, imo. 😄
Yeah, it looks good! I also can't wait to do full pink again, like I did the first time I dyed my hair. 🙂
@TOM-RO maybe not right now, but I'll save a few of those gifs to my iPad for when I go back to school. They'll be useful then, that's for sure!
You misinterpreted there, I've been having restless nights, making it difficult to stay asleep, not being restless in general. 🙂 But yes, very stressful!
It is, but I'm kinda used to it. I'm used to having this introvert type of problem. My GO is my Guidance Officer, I'm not referring to my GP, lol! But yes, it does make things hard with the current issues I have...
I would try and do that, but I just can't seem to do it. I barely talk to my GO, let alone make a small conversation with her...
Yeah, I know this is a good space. I've been here for a while! 🙂
On Wednesday last week, I fainted at school again. A whole lot of assessment pieces were due that day, and I was also going to get some help with them after school. But instead of being able to go to that after school, I faint in session 4/last session, and then I don't wake up when the office ladies find me unconscious...
Basically, I started feeling dizzy and lightheaded halfway through last session, and I go to the sick bay and let the office ladies know that I think I'm about to have an episode again. These ladies don't know that I probably should be kept an eye on, while I'm there, and don't end up seeing if I'm awake or not in the last session. Sometime between the time I get there, and the home time bell, I have fainted, and then the bell goes sometime after that. When the bell goes, one of the ladies is helping a kid find his lost property. She finds me out cold, and tries to wake me up, but I don't. She then goes and finds another lady, who has more first-aid experience (I assume). That lady, then comes over and sits next to me with a wet cloth, trying to cool me down at the same time as trying to wake me up. I don't wake up for another 5 minutes after that. During that 5 minutes, they've gone and called an ambulance and my mum. I get carted off to hospital, when I wake up.
As you can tell, that was a very scary experience! It was also my first ambulance ride. Which was without my mum or dad...
I eventually got all my assignment done and handed in, with small extensions for some of them.
And within the next 3 days of that Wednesday, I found out how many people I had worried, which was quite a few. Even one of the teachers who knows me pretty well, who had a spare when I had fainted, and passed by the sick bay at the time, before anyone else knew what was happening to me.
Oh well... That's my life now, i guess... 😐
At least I'm on holidays now. I've been painting a picture with my sister, who rarely does anything fun with me anymore. It looks really good, and I'll post a pic later, when it's done. 🙂
I also dyed my hair, which is now pink and slightly blue (the blue didn't work properly). Next time, I'm going full pink!
Hey @Janine-RO!
Thank you! 
It is pretty cool, and she is so adorable! 😄
I got the Minerva McGonagall one, No. 93. I can’t wait to build up my collection!
I wanted to get the giant niffler, but I didn’t quite get enough points to get one. Next time, I’ll figure out the best games to play at the arcade, to get the most points!
Which figurines do you have? 🙂
Have you gotten the email yet? I can send the picture to the better email address if need be. 🙂
Yeah, it is pretty good that way, and my teacher knows how hard it is for me, but I still think I will not cope with more of the stuff that goes on... today wasn’t too bad, but it was a bit noisier today. Last session is always like that. I hate session 4, its the worst time of day to have a Math class. Or humanities, for that matter... 
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx !!
First off, happy birthday for the other week!!! It sounds like it was a really nice day, and I love that you share your birthday with Nala! I have a few of the POP figurines, which one did you get?
It's great that your teacher is letting you try things like listening to music, I hope that class today goes okay.
With the email, the best one to use is forums@reachout.com, the 'hello' one should be forwarded to us eventually though 🙂
Thank you! It was really good, even if it was a bit of a tough time. Nala turned 21 (Dog years) on the same day, too, which I thought was cute. We got her a new dog bed, which we keep inside for her. She has become an in-between dog, where she's not inside or outside. And I let her onto my sisters bed, so she can lick my sisters face in the mornings. My sister only ever wakes up to that, so its funny and cute! 😄
Yeah... I really hate it, but theres nothing much I can do about it really. I might try some earplugs, but I might just wait until the end of term to get them. last lesson wasn't too bad, so I'll see how the class is this afternoon.
Did you get my email? It sent through, but I'm not sure if it's gotten to you yet... Unless I used the wrong email address? It's the hello@reachout one isn't it?
hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! I feel it's been ages since we last chatted 😅 it's good to see you on the forums again!
First of all Happy birthday for a couple of weeks ago!! For some reason I thought it was in March, but I am glad to hear you had such a lovely day! It sounds like you got to spend a heap of really lovely time with your family, which is super cute 💕✨
It sounds really, really frustrating to have to deal with how loud the class is constantly, I can only imagine how exhausting and draining it must be for you. I am glad to hear that your teacher lets you listen to music in class though, even if it only helps a little. It might even be worth trying some regular earplugs to dull out the sound, I think you can get them from a chemist for only $1 or so!
Thank you @Tiny_leaf, that makes sense, but I don’t have many stims that make me feel calmer and less overloaded... I have to be in a quieter place, in order to calm down... and 5 minute time-out cards do not work the magic properly, seeing as its only for 5 minutes...
Can you tag me in the stimming thread again? I can’t seem to find it, and its really bugging me... 🙂
I had a look at those earplugs, and I’d love to try them, but I don’t want to waste my parents money anymore than I already have. And I’d need to be able to hear the teacher when I need to anyways, as much as I would love to shut the noise out.
My teacher has been letting me listen to music in class though, while we’re working through worksheets, even if it doesn’t help much...
Thank you for the suggestion though, I’ll keep that in mind when I finally get a job (which will be soon, I hope).
Well... My teachers already knew about my episodes, yes, but I can understand why she was particularly concerned about me. It’s not really frustrating, its more haunting, because I hate worrying people. It was probably the fact that she hadn’t seen me have one before, and it was also the first one I’d had in a while. I’m doing better now, weeks later. I guess its just something that happens, after every episode. But now, I have ways of trying to stop an episode happening at all, even if it means that I miss out on some sport time. But that’s okay, I hate doing touch football for HPE anyway. I much prefer basketball or netball. 😉
I’m still very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very tired, but I don’t know why. It’s really annoying, and its also a reason that I have episodes too... Oh well, I guess it happens, so I just live with it.
My birthday was a few weeks ago, but it was pretty good. I got 168 copic pens, or at least the good pens you can get for art, but much cheaper, a bunch of art supplies, some books, and some clothes. Also a bunch of money, which was good. I think I received around $160 within my birthday week... 🙂 I’m saving as much as I can, and I’ll be spending a little bit of it on snacks or something when I need to, after school.
My family and I decided to have Indian for dinner, and then one the weekend, we invited my mums parents, and my cousins and uncles (and their girlfriends) over for dinner and cake. It was good, I enjoyed it, despite having school the next day. I also went to an arcade, near my school on the Saturday, which was good. I used $100 that my mum let me use, and I won some good prizes. I am starting a “POP!” Figurine collection, which will build up over many years, because of the arcade. 🙂
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I normally just try to stim in some other way until the noise goes...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , that sounds really tough to cope with 😞 Do you think your teacher would be open to moving you into another group if you have a chat with her? The sensory overload sounds like it must be the last straw for you at the moment - I haven't tried these myself, but I do know some people who use noise muffling ear plugs to make things a bit more manageable, something like this might help a bit?
I hate being in my maths class. They get so loud, they don't show respect to the teacher or to anyone else, and I’m always having a sensory overload from how loud it is. I just want to yell at them, to shut the f up. And tell my teacher how unhappy I am at her, for moving my assignment group to people who dont do any of the correct work and never do anything in Maths. I just want to be with my friends. Maybe I’d get more work done, if thats what happened...
Does anyone have any tips to cope with noise-sensory overload? @Tiny_leaf?
I am literally about to start crying, but no one notices anyway...
@Hannah-RO I’ll respond after school, when I’m less stressed out...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx you have been busy! Sounds like you've got a lot on, some really cool things like virtual camp, being a bridesmaid, church and youth group, and also the school talent show! That is all awesome stuff 😄
I'm sorry you had another syncopal episode last week and that it was quite traumatic, have you found that teachers at your school are usually helpful with this? It sounds like this teacher maybe wasn't really sure what to do even though you had already made the effort to speak to them about it which must be frustrating. I'm sorry to hear too that you have been really tired recently, it is amazing what you have been able to achieve despite this 
ALSO Happy Birthday for tomorrow!!! How exciting! Have you got any plans for celebrating?
Okay, here is an update of what has happened over the past few weeks. Beware, it will be a bit long!
So, I went on a virtual camp, and it helped me a lot with my depression and sadness for a while. My depression will come back, because it always does at assessment time, there’s nothing I can do about it unfortunately... Oh well.
Last Friday, I had another syncopal episode, and it was kind of traumatising, but I’ll be okay.
So last Friday, I had a physio appointment before school. I went to the physio, got the exercises I needed to do, and then ran some other errands. Those errands consisted of: buying my bridesmaids dress, which I can’t wear until October, because the wedding has been postponed because the QLD borders are closed to NSW and VIC. Oh well, more time to get my dress altered, and organise what is happening with my hair and makeup! 🙂
Then, I got my Telehealth appointment for my blood test results done. My iron levels are so much better now, I can start taking my tablets once a week. At least it won’t hurt me to take them when I do that. 🙂
And then I went to school, towards the end of 2nd period.
When I arrived, I was already tired and feeling unwell from the past few weeks, because I had to stay up late and wake up early, as I do to get to school on time. I make it to last period, with a break in between 3rd and last period. I am so tired by then, that I decided to sit out of HPE, which I had last. I got changed for nothing, literally. I got changed, and then sat out the entire lesson anyway.
The lesson finishes, and my class head back to the change rooms to get changed to go home.
Everyone else leaves, and I am the only one left in the change rooms. The teacher is waiting for everyone else to leave, so she can lock up. But I haven’t come out yet, so she comes in to check if anyone is left. I have passed out in the time it takes for her to come in and check for anyone. She then finds me on the floor, and I have just woken up.
It’s kinda scary, when that happens. Because if you like to think about particular things, like me, it can become very haunting and traumatising when you do. I have been thinking about what the teacher looked like, felt like, and what she was doing, while I was laying there. And she sounded so worried, even though I’ve told all my sport/HPE teachers about my health condition.
Maybe its because she’s never seen one of MY episodes? I don’t know. But thats what’s been haunting me for a week and a bit now.
The physio exercises I have been given, are causing my knee to hurt even more than it did before I started physio. So my mum is going to try and get a hold of my physiotherapist, and ask questions about what to do in the mean time. I’m going to be wearing my brace, but its still really annoying and really really painful.. 😞
That’s all that has really happened, except that I went to youth group on Friday night, and church has started meeting up fortnightly, too. I really missed seeing everyone!
So yeah, that’s how things have been this past few weeks.
I’ve also been very very tired, which doesn’t help anything, and my head has been hurting for a while now. I’m hoping that I don’t pass out because of it, because having too much pain can cause other problems for me... 😞
I also signed up for the school talent show, which my school started last year, and I get to perform in it twice! I’ll be doing a song, and my friend will also be performing with me. She’ll be rapping, as part of the song. I am also performing with the drama club, too, which should be fun. I came up with some funny comedy skits we could do, to try to win... 😉
I turn 15 on Wednesday! I can’t wait! 🙂
Pain makes you Stronger, Tears make you Braver, and Heartbreaks make you Wiser. So thank the past for a better future.
@Bananatime04thank you!
I’ll post this update in a bit, but it might take a while, its a bit long... 😛
Pain makes you Stronger, Tears make you Braver, and Heartbreaks make you Wiser. So thank the past for a better future.
I’ll be online at around 7 tomorrow morning, so that’s when I’ll post an update. 🙂
Goodnight! 🙂
it was good to hear from you! I hope you have a good sleep and a good day at school tomorrow 🙂I’ll have to post an update tomorrow, because I have to get ready for bed, and organise my books and things for school tomorrow. 😐
Thank you for checking in though.
