feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)
Hi everyone.
Lately things have been getting on top of me and I've been feeling super overwhelmed. I feel like I'm starting to relapse back into disordered eating and self harm. Most of the time I really want to end my life to make this stop hurting, I just feel so much pain from the moment I wake up in the morning. My only reason I'm still alive is my siblings and not wanting to subject them to that kind of trauma.
I finished my first work placement successfully, but now I have another two week one and even on my first day it's too much. I have to tell my facilitator that I have to leave early on Wednesday because I have to see the mental health team (who basically told my mum that I HAD to see their psych or I'd be considered non compliant and it could affect my nursing registration later). I want to quit or die, I'm so exhausted, I hate this and I need it to stop.
I feel like I have no one anymore, I have so many responsibilities but I don't even feel like a grown up, I feel like a six year old abandoned in this huge body.
I'm already doing all the right things, going to my work placement and counselling appointments, taking my meds, forcing myself to eat meals and trying to get enough sleep...
I feel so alone. I want to ask my friend for help but she's not really talking to me much anymore and I get the feeling that she doesn't love me like she used to. I feel like it would be manipulative to go to her and say, 'I know you don't even want to talk to me right now, but if you don't, I'm probably going to kill myself.'
i havent seen you in a while and wanted to check in and see how your going?
Thanks for checking in @scared01. 
I’m sorry for being so absent, I’ve been a horrible mess of anger and exhaustion and emptiness and grief and I felt bad for not having the emotional energy to support anyone else on RO so I just stayed away.
I’m still doing DBT therapy. Parts are helpful. Parts make me so angry I can’t really use them.
I’m struggling badly with my family. Every day I feel like I can’t cope with living in this house another day and then I do because there is no other option. It feels like dying in slow motion.
I hope things have been okay for you and you haven’t been in too much pain
you didnt have to hide though, you dont always have to be here to support others. its ok to just be here for yourself.
i havent done dbt myself except from what ive learnt myself but im glad some parts are at least helpful. i do understand how some parts make you angry though. some things dont really sit well with me either.
"Every day I feel like I can’t cope with living in this house another day and then I do because there is no other option. It feels like dying in slow motion." i get that very much. its so hard when you so abdly dont want to be there but yet have no where else to go either.
is there anything you would like to talk about tonight?
Thanks @scared01 and @Taylor-RO. @scared01 I'm really sorry you can relate, these are painful emotions
It's so frustrating because I truly believe things wouldn't be as bad with my head stuff if I lived somewhere else. I could be here for another two years...I don't know if I can face that.
Yeah I don't why but the dbt is bringing up so much anger because of its focus on letting things go, focusing on what's effective, being 'willing' etc. I know that nothing that's happened to me is that bad, but it still makes me angry that I'm supposed to let it go. The other day one of the therapists said something about how the things that have happened to us being positive in one way because they've made us into ourselves and that's like...no. I could have been anything. I could have been so much better than this. I could have been healthy, or unafraid, or loved. I would trade my 'strength' and empathy for a healthy mind, teeth that aren't decaying, and friends, in a heartbeat. Being a kind person is not a good enough consolation prize for having an illness with a 10% early fatality rate. I'm at a point where I don't want to 'reduce my suffering' - I want some justice for what's happened to me. I want someone to pay for everything I've lost and every time I've been made to feel afraid in places I should have been safe.
Lately I've been having some anxiety around sexual harassment and assault stuff that's happened, as well as things that have happened that weren't non-consensual but were still damaging. And stuff that wasn't sexual but still fits into that anxiety-category in my head (like being strip searched and restrained). I'm still too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone. Partly because some of the things I can feel in my body I can't actually remember happening to me and it's probably just my own paranoia and desperate need for an explanation for why I am this way. Partly because I'm afraid of not being believed/taken seriously when so many professionals have dismissed me in the past, or said it was my fault. Just because it was my fault doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
Sorry that turned into a rant 
Thank you for listening. It helps to know people care.
that is so much to have to deal with.
The first section where youve written about ' the things thatve happened are positive' and then youve gone on your 'rant' but really it isnt a rant. I think most people who have had a trauma would agree with you. If i hadnt had had those traumas happen to me i think i wouldve been a much better person, one thats not so afraid to be alive. it is extrememly hard to let go, but perhaps this is a good point to bring up with the facilitator or your psychologist to help you work through that anger?
You meantioned some things surrounding harrassment and assault, is this recent? can you report it to someone?
its ok, you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to however its nothing to be embarrassed about. Something that happens to me is called 'physical flashbacks' perhaps this might be happening for you too. sometimes those repressed memories can arise in these flashbacks too- sometimes we cant pinpoint what the memory is. Please be aware when looking though that it may be triggerring but i wanted to meantion it to you as it sounds quite alot of what you might be experiencing.
Thanks @scared01 Thank you for empathising. I don't think I've ever experienced trauma as such, but I definitely see your point and will for sure bring up the anger when I speak to the psychologist next.
Ah no it was a couple years ago in hospital - there were two guys and I don't even remember their names now tbh. I tried to tell the psychologist there at the time but she said brushed off one of them and said the other was my fault as I'd told this guy I was 'a homosexual.'
It could be, that's kind of what it feels like. Or some things I start feeling floaty or my brain just goes 'nope' if I do them/think about them. The few memories I do have are from age 4/5 -11 so my memory wouldn't have been great then anyway. It's hard accepting that I may never know what was done to me, or if anything was. It's hard living with someone with the constant question of what did you do to me in the back of my head. (Although pls don't worry I'm not in danger from this person and I'm not a child protection risk as I'm over 18).
I'm just...so exhausted trying to look after my parents and deal with living at home. I keep remembering two things I did as a teen that were kind of bad and I feel so so guilty. I miss my friend who doesn't speak to me anymore and I'm so lonely all the time. It makes it hard to function. I just wish I was healthy.
hmm that definently NOT an excuse. there is not excuse for any sort of abuse, harrassment, assults etc and everyone has a right to feel safe and to be heard as well.
do you dissociate? perhaps thats another point to bring up with your psych as well though i can help abit with that if you need.
i could imagine the distress it would cause you esp with the unknown and the questions left unanswered. Do you think that in time youll be able to accept that something may have happened but its time to try and move on? I can understand that would be really hard to do but it might help your brain to reset abit in that youve accepted and feel you can move on.
did you want to talk about those 2 things you done as a teen?
Hey @DruidChild, I think bringing up the anger with your psychologist is a very good idea. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. 😞
Personally, I think that was very unprofessional of that psychologist to shift the blame onto you for something that was not your fault. I'm really sorry that you've had that experience. Have you been able to discuss this with your current psychologis, or another professional?
Thanks @mrmusic
Mm I think she just didn't like me...she also called me at various points ungrateful, annoying, angry, said I should stop feeling suicidal, that I read too much, that I was acting like a child, mocked me for talking in a soft voice when I got scared of her, convinced me that I'd had an episode of amnesia even though I hadn't, and made a point of calling me a girl/woman after I told her it was language I felt uncomfortable with because of my gender identity. But everyone else I've met who's had her as a psych has loved her so I guess something about me got on her nerves?
I try not to make a big deal of it with psychs now. It's nothing worse than what's happened to most other people. I'm just sensitive haha.
Thank you for the support
Nothing wrong with being sensitive @DruidChild - I'm the same. It's so hard being dismissed by professionals, isn't it? Things are hard enough already without having that additional burden added.
I can see how that particular concept of "letting go" may not be possible at this stage, and it's totally okay if you can't do it. Living with that constant fear must be so hard, and given the experiences that you have talked about, it's totally understandable to be thinking "what did you do to me" when interacting with others. I can't imagine the pain, I just hope that you get some relief.
Your statement "I would trade my 'strength' and empathy for a healthy mind, teeth that aren't decaying, and friends, in a heartbeat" is something I can relate to, even the decaying teeth part. I too struggle with loneliness and missing friends from school who I've lost contact with. I don't know if it helps, but just know you're not alone.
I'm just so proud of you for sticking with the DBT, that shows how strong you are. I hope you never forget that.
Thanks @scared01 I do dissociate, luckily I'm pretty good at managing it though! But thank you 🙂
I hope that with time I will be able to do that and just move on and accept that whatever happened it's in the past now. I just feel so filthy and dirty and unsafe in my body. I'm safe and don't need any medical attention but last night I self harmed trying to get all of these horrible things out of me.
Thank you @mrmusic, it does help to know that I'm not alone, although it absolutely sucks that you have to go through these feelings too!!
I hope you both are doing okay today 🙂
Hugs
@litgym Stressed and tired 😞 I am so sick of all of this, I just want to be done with life. But I’m planning on getting stuff ready for my exam tomorrow and then trying to read a book and hopefully get some more sleep than I did last night, so I’ll get through it Thank you for checking in 🙂
@DruidChild ahh we love stress ! remember whatever mark you get doesn’t mean anything:) good luck with your exam and i hope you get a better sleep tonight
Thank you @litgym! It’s very compassionate of you to show so much care for me when things are so overwhelming for you Stress is the worst, but it’s a lot better than flashback-type stuff that I had last night, so there’s that. Thanks for caring 
you are very welcome! im always here for anyone even in horrible times flashbacks really suck and can be so overwhelming:(
I'm sorry to hear things got really difficult for you last night @DruidChild and thank you for also letting us know that you're safe and don't need medical attention. @mrmusic actually just posted the below graphic about recovery and I think it's a really good thing to remember AND also that you're it's amazing that you're feeling like you're pretty good at managing the dissociation. The rest will come with time
You definitely don't have to support others when you come online, you can just chill in the hang out and games threads. In fact, if you are aren't feeling up to it, then you should focus on yourself rather than others. It is important to take care of yourself especially when struggling with family and therapy like DBT. It sure isn't easy and some days are harder than others. That is the journey of ups and downs - you are so strong for coming so far
Sorry for being absent @scared01 and thanks for checking in. I'm super sad and I feel so trapped. Idk. I just haven't been in a good head space to post on here.
@Lan-RO Thanks. I don't really want to call anywhere atm but I'm seeing a therapist regularely.
@scared01 Thank you. I don't know; there's so much and I feel so pathetic to still feel like this. My mental health team is making me do pretty intensive therapy though so I guess that's good.
How are you doing the last couple of weeks?
