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feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Hi everyone. 

 

Lately things have been getting on top of me and I've been feeling super overwhelmed. I feel like I'm starting to relapse back into disordered eating and self harm. Most of the time I really want to end my life to make this stop hurting, I just feel so much pain from the moment I wake up in the morning. My only reason I'm still alive is my siblings and not wanting to subject them to that kind of trauma. 

 

I finished my first work placement successfully, but now I have another two week one and even on my first day it's too much. I have to tell my facilitator that I have to leave early on Wednesday because I have to see the mental health team (who basically told my mum that I HAD to see their psych or I'd be considered non compliant and it could affect my nursing registration later). I want to quit or die, I'm so exhausted, I hate this and I need it to stop.

 

I feel like I have no one anymore, I have so many responsibilities but I don't even feel like a grown up, I feel like a six year old abandoned in this huge body. 

 

I'm already doing all the right things, going to my work placement and counselling appointments, taking my meds, forcing myself to eat meals and trying to get enough sleep...

 

I feel so alone. I want to ask my friend for help but she's not really talking to me much anymore and I get the feeling that she doesn't love me like she used to. I feel like it would be manipulative to go to her and say, 'I know you don't even want to talk to me right now, but if you don't, I'm probably going to kill myself.' 

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Hey @DruidChild it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, but it sort of just isn't enough? I am hearing you kind of are exhausted of the whole process? But it's incredible that you are engaging in the process - I am also proud of you for considering your siblings. I am so sorry to hear about the distance between you and your friend. What is it do you think that isn't working? Is there a key part of all of this you feel like just isn't providing you with enough support, to truly grow and heal?

 

Do you have a plan to end your life? Some concerns around the last line Heart We're all here to listen as always. 

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

@DruidChildit sounds like you are struggling with a lot have you thought about calling Lifeline and chatting to someone through these thoughts?

It's good that you have recognised the suicide isn't the answer with your feelings and that you don't want your siblings to go through the trauma. 

It's also good that you have recognised your self-sabotaging behaviour and you are sticking with your mental health plan.

Yay for finishing your first placement! Its a huge achievement especially considering what issues you face on a regular basis Smiley Happy

Your facilitator will understand about your meeting, you don't need to tell them about why you need to leave early and in the long run it will help you achieve your goal of becoming a nurse. Sometimes seeing a different psych is a good thing, they can help you look at things from a different perspective and give you different strategies to try. 

My sister is studying nursing and about to do her first prac in a few weeks (she is in the second rotation) which she is unsure about but I know she will do fine in. I really admire those who choose to do nursing as it's something that I could never do but nurses make the world a better place and do so much! I have no doubt you will be a great nurse plus you have all this lived experience which will help you relate to your patients more. 

Still reach out to your friend and just explain to her what you are going through and that you need support.

Also you always have us here on the forums to chat too Smiley Happy

 

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Whatever it takes I know I can make it through!

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Hey @DruidChild, I'm sorry to hear things are so tough for you. Smiley Sad The fact that you have your siblings in mind shows what an amazing person you are, and I hope you never ever forget that.

 

With regards to your comments about seeing the mental health team, it sounds like you're referring to the process required by the registration board about mental illness - please correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, it looks like the law may be changed soon so that reporting students/professionals with mental health conditions will no longer be compulsory. Whilst this doesn't directly help your situation (since it would appear a report has already been made under the existing law), know that there is a push for reform, and it might come soon. I really hope the state governments just get on with it.

 

Getting back to the issue at hand - have you seen your psych about this? Because I'm thinking that they would be the best person to facilitate this process, and be able to provide a letter of 'referral' to this psych.

 

I'm sorry to hear about feeling alone, please know that we are all here for you! Heart You are doing all the right things, and we are really proud of you.

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Thanks everyone. 

 

Good luck to your sister @ErinsAntics, I hope she loves nursing! 

 

@mrmusic Honestly I didn't even know that was a requirement, I kind of thought as long as it didn't impact my practice they didn't need to know...it feels so dehumanising somehow. Like I'm something bad and they need to watch me. Like the time I was specialed in ED and every time I moved the nurse would just yell 'No!' at me like I was naughty dog. It's good that it's changing slowly. I hope you're okay. 

 

I'm sure it's good that I'm doing the right things and seeing the psychiatrist and all. I just...don't care. I feel alone and I'm obsessed with harming myself and I can't make anybody love me or care enough to stay so what's the point. 

 

I wish I was dead already, as painfully attention seeking and bratty as that must sound. 

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

It is very dehumanising @DruidChild, and it really makes me bitter about the requirement. Yes, I understand that patient safety is their priority, but personally I think it's overregulated. So I'm glad change appears to be in the wind (but I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, as state governments have to actually amend the legislation for this to change). I'm just lucky that my registration board isn't covered by that legislation, because the journey is bumpy enough without it.

 

That is a very heavy statement. Please know that you don't need to make us love you here at RO, because we already do. You're a very special person. I'm sorry to hear that you feel unloved. With regards to your last line, I would ask if you have a plan to end your life as per @Bree-RO's post earlier? Heart

 

Thinking of you.

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Thank you @mrmusic Heart Are you in nursing too? Sorry if I've asked this before. 

 

It's just so dark in my head. I don't feel loved and I haven't for a very long time. 

Mm idk...I kinda have a plan...but I'm not sure if I want to use it. 

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

I'm safe for tonight at least, I'm going to try to sleep now. Things are just getting on top of me. Some twisted part of me wants to go back to hospital, I feel like a small, lost child and I just want to be taken care of. I don't know how to keep going. I don't know how to live with this pain. 

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Thanks for letting us know @DruidChild. I really think it would be a good idea to contact SCBS on 1300 659 467, or use web chat here. I'm glad you are safe for tonight, but it might still be worth talking to them, particularly if you have some sort of plan in mind. Heart 

Re: feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

Thanks for linking it @mrmusic, maybe I'll give them a call tomorrow Heart