Ask A Pro Live: Opening Up To Parents

@Hannah-RO @Janine-RO Thank you for this- I certainly learned some things especially about parent's perspectives! I have a seminar on Thursday nights for uni now so I'll probably miss parts of them  but hopefully I can tune in next time!

@Hannah-RO thanks for the tag, I'll reply slowly tonight and catch up on Friday hopefully, I submitted a Q as well 🙂

We're going live with this chat in half an hour!

The form is now closed, we have had heaps of really interesting questions come through, I am so keen to get @Janine-RO 's answers and have a discussion tonight about this topic. 

Tagging some peeps who are recently online if ya wanna join us! - @Lost_Space_Explorer5 @MB95 @Mia238 @November13 @TawnyOwl @lokifish @Saltwaterdreamtime @Bee @WheresMySquishy @Hozzles @Bananatime04 @LeapofFaith @Xenogenesis @Willlowtree @Tiny_leaf 

And just a reminder that although this thread is titled "Opening Up to Parents" tonight we're talking parents/carers/guardians/aunts/uncles/siblings/friends/grandparents/anyone in your life that cares for you that you might want to let know what's going on for you 

Chat soon peeps!

Alright folks, let us begin! 

So great to have @Janine-RO as our Pro for tonight! Thanks for having a chat with us all about parents and feelings and all sorts of dealings!

To start with, can you tell us what is your favourite thing about being a mum?

What a gorgeous answer @Janine-RO , maybe feels a bit like this?

I love that "a piece of your heart walking around outside you"  Also go your daughter for cooking dinner!!! And yes @WheresMySquishy kids are HILARIOUS  I'm honestly losing it at "bossy boobs" !

Time for a NEW Q ! 

Let's talk about talking about stuff! The next Q is...

How can we start a conversation about mental health/ How can we start a conversation

about something important we would like our parents/guardians/carers to know about?

Thanks for that @Janine-RO, some amazing tips in there! 

NEW Q TIME!

This is a great question, V keen to hear your thoughts peeps...

How do I get them to listen to me without being dismissive and intimidating? what do you do if you get misunderstood/ kind of brushed off?

No one wants to be dismissed like this - 

How awesome are those infographics! And I love what you're saying @Janine-RO about practicing being assertive, I feel thats such a important skill to be developed over time.

I think this is also very relevant to our next NEW Q! 

How can we tell our parents/guardians/carers that we don’t want to do something for the

sake of our mental health?

For example, if we're having a bad day or we need to have sometime to ourselves

Hahahaha @Hannah-RO  you actually made me laugh out loud with that GIF! That is totally something I would do 

I think this next question is such an important one, and I think it actually follows on from what you were saying, @WheresMySquishy 

I think a lot of parents can sometimes have a gut reaction to be dismissive about their kids talking about mental health issues- this might be because they don’t know a lot about mental health, or feel like it’s an attack on their parenting, or are just really uncomfortable with the situation and so minimise what you’re saying.  

Some parents may also have their own experience with mental health issues in their past.

Unfortunately there’s still a lot of myths out there about mental health as well – and parents may have their own baggage about this stuff. There’s also a lot of cultural differences that may also shape how parents view mental health.

• You may need to practice talking in a way that’s assertive, without being aggressive – so if they’re dismissive about what you’re experiencing  (“ What do you have to complain about? You have a roof over your head, you don’t have to pay rent, you’re just having a bad day..”) it is totally okay to push back a bit- e.g. say you don’t want to be feeling like this, and it’s nothing to do with those things, but you need some help. It might also help them to see info from a site like ReachOut about what depression looks like. I really loved these infographics that our content team developed, for example:

• It may also be a conversation that you need to have a few times- your parents may need some time to process what you’ve said, especially if it’s made them feel guilty, or ashamed, or defensive.

• If your parent is being really intimidating, a letter or email could be a better way to go. Or have a friend with you, for extra support.

Those infographics are really helpful @Janine-RO. I think that parents can be really busy and might not pick up on the signs of a mental health issue, or they might just dismiss it as a part of growing up. When I was in high school, they used to tell me 'What do you have to be stressed about?' and 'If you were depressed, you wouldn't be able to get out of bed'.

I'm sorry you've had that experience of being dismissed like that @WheresMySquishy, i think your right that busy-ness can affect people so much and make it harder for people to understand and recognise whats going on.  

And yeah @Lost_Space_Explorer5 its so tricky when you tell someone something and then you need to comfort THEM through it? Like mate I just said I was on struggle street, help a gal out! 

I'm so sorry to hear that @Lost_Space_Explorer5  😞 I think pain, and chronic pain especially, is something that is still so widely misunderstood.. I had chronic pain (something called chronic regional pain syndrome) after a bad injury to my hand years ago, and it was absolutely shit. In a weird way I was lucky because it got worse very quickly with some visible changes so I was able to get the right treatment and ended up making a full recovery - but at first, I definitely got the impression that people thought I was exaggerating/ making it up. That sounds so hurtful for you and I'm glad that your mum doesn't say that as much to you now. Chronic pain is enough of a bitch without also having to deal with that 😞 

@WheresMySquishy  oh totally, and I think that  it can be really easy for parents to dismiss it as 'moody teenager' stuff, and I also think sometimes there can be an element of thinking that a bit of tough love will help, when often it's just the opposite. @Lost_Space_Explorer5  that must have been so hard for you to also feel that burden of having to reassure your parents, when what you were looking for was support. I also wonder if it's a bit of a generational thing - in the past, a lot of people were told that mental health issues were largely caused by bad parenting. I vividly remember reading Anne Devenson's book about raising her son, and being told by a psychiatrist that schizophrenia was due to poor and neglectful mothering 😞 So maybe there is a bit of baggage there, with parents feeling like they're somehow to blame... I do think that it's really important for parents to get support for themselves if they can, so that they can work through those feelings without putting them back onto their kids, if that makes sense. But it's really tough. 

Wow, that's a really old-fashioned view about mental health conditions @Janine-RO. 😞 I think some of that stigma still exists. I feel like some doctors try to look for some kind of psychological trauma, even if a patient is adamant that they haven't experienced any trauma. But I feel like we know more about the different factors behind mental health conditions now.

Sorry @Hannah-RO  - on to the next question: 

How can we tell our parents/guardians/carers that we don't want to do something for the sake of our mental health? For example, if we're having a bad day or we need to have some time to ourselves

I think this all comes down to communication and being open with your parents/ guardians/ carers about what you need to do to look after your mental health. The more open you can be, hopefully the more they’ll be able to understand what you need.  I’ve definitely learned as a parent that my daughter is a lot like me in that she sometimes needs time and space to herself to decompress . She’s younger (11) so sometimes we’ll make a deal, like we’ll do an activity together in the morning, but she can then have time to herself that afternoon. I also know some families that use a traffic light type system to communicate about what they might need- so on a ‘red’ day, you may need to have time to yourself/ go for a walk/ have a late start to school. I also think that that the more that parents know about mental health, the more that they can understand what you may need – the ReachOut Parents page is a really good place for parents to start learning more about mental health 🙂 

Setting boundaries with parents as you get older is something that everyone needs to constantly navigate I think – but it’s a really healthy thing to do for everyone.

I would really love to hear other people's thoughts on this one - do you find that you're able to set those kinds of boundaries with your families? 

Thanks @Hannah-RO , I'm really excited to be here! 

Without sounding cheesy, there are honestly so many things I love about being a mum. I read a quote once that said that having children is like having a piece of your heart permanently walking around outside your body, and that really is what it feels like. I feel so incredibly lucky to get to parent two small humans and watch them grow and change every day. It can sometimes be a total rollercoaster, especially in the early days when I was a sole parent to a newborn, but I wouldn't change a thing. Also very funny at times hearing your own words directed back at you from a small person! 

Aww, that's a really nice way of thinking about it @Janine-RO. 🙂
Kids say the funniest things too!