Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95,

I'm so proud of you, being in nature can be so healing.  

I'm really sorry to hear that what I've been writing has been a trigger for you @MisoBear. You have to put your own health first and I think it's amazing that you've recognised it and are doing just that. Thank you for your amazing support. I totally understand and hope you are okay. I am also here if you need to talk ❤

It's okay @Alison5, I knew where you were going with the toddler analogy. I was just meaning I can relate and sometimes I allow myself to see it as a good thing but most of the time I just feel childish and stupid for needing help when I'm meant to be an 'adult'. 

Thank you so much for your beautiful message @Jess1-RO ❤ It has definately been a little mood booster and made me smile, so thank you. I was just wondering if you'd mind me asking how long it took for you to notice changes with your B12 and iron? Like I've been doing it for I'd say almost 3 months and I haven't noticed any changes - I'm still exhausted as ever! 

Also, I just wanted to share with you guys that because of your support I was able to push myself to go and hang out at my favourite park today. I'm still feeling pretty off but have definatly noticed a change and have been able to ease my mind of the suicial thoughts so THANK YOU!!! I just lay down staring up at the trees and listening to the birds and I think it was just what I needed. 

Hi @MB95,

Thanks for acknowledging my post. I'm glad other users have also been able to help you. I'm just finding this thread really triggering at the moment and I think I need to take a step back. A lot of what you're writing about is just hitting way too close to home, which is not your fault at all but I don't think I can respond without becoming really distressed and I don't want to distress anyone else on here. I support you and know you will do the best thing for you. Stay strong 🙂

Hi @MB95,

It is such a huge strength to be able to take on the feedback, ideas and experiences of others- not an easy thing to do, and so brave!  

I'm really sorry to hear you don't have a strong connection with your GP. Self advocating for a blood test was a great idea, and good on you for making that call. It is amazing how much B12 and iron play such a huge part in energy, sleep, coping with stress and everyday life! I'm on supplements for B12 and iron too and they have done a wealth of good for my energy! Hope they help you too 

So much of your post I relate to from my some of my first experiences of seeking mental health support and medications- with your determination, willingness/openness to try new strategies for coping and your courage to reach out here when you need to, I hold so much hope for you that your recovery will keep moving forward You've thought through some big decisions here today!

Any time you need a reminder of the incredibly compassionate, understanding, open, honest and determined person we see that you are, we will be here to remind you of the strengths we see in you and cheer you on  

Hi @MB95,

That's great about the meds and I think you’ve done really well in taking on all of our suggestions and ideas. 
Also, I did wonder whether that toddler analogy may be an odd one. But I just want to clarify that I didn’t mean it as someone being young, pathetic and helpless, but more that a toddler is growing up and learning and we are all growing and learning with mental health. Fortunately, we don’t often have these concerns as a toddler, but it means we have to start learning later in life. 

I hope that makes a bit more sense because I certainly think you are more than capable and should give yourself more credit!

I'm clearly having an analogy day today haha. 

Please don't ever worry about being pushy @Eden1717. Sometimes it's difficult for me to take on what people are saying when I'm not in a good way but I always know that everyone on this community is coming from a good place. So if I find it hard to sit with I'll often just delay my response and re-read it with a clearer head when the time is right because I know you are all only trying to help. And I really do appreciate it. Sometimes I need the tough love act anyway because my brain won't let me see things the way I should be seeing them!!! So it's all good, I never take offense to anything said in this community 😊

And don't ever stress about the long posts @Alison5, I ALWAYS look forward to what you have to say because I find I can really relate to you, so I appreciate the time you put into responding ❤ I feel like this is one of the only places (besides my journal) where I can speak openly about things so when you guys actually listen and are there to support me it just means so much to me. I've never been able to see myself as being worthy but your responses and support always helps and leaves me feeling less alone. 

As for the meds guys, as much as I want to come off them, I am hearing what you are all saying and after reading what you have to say I have recognised that maybe right now is not the best time. I think the whole trying to move house thing and starting back at work and uni is really stressing me out and then the whole thing with my psych didn't help. So I am hearing you. I wasn't at first, but I am feeling a little more accepting and open today so have allowed myself to think about it a little better. The guilt thing is something I can't seem to get past though. I hate that I can't tell my parents about it and I just feel terrible they don't know.

I appreciate you sharing your story @Alison5 because I always find it so inspiring to hear because to me, you really seem like you have your shit together which is where I'd like to be one day!! I have thought about trying to change meds but it also really stresses me out trying it all while I'm at uni. I'm a bit of a high achiever and generally won't allow myself to settle for anything less than a HD so when all this shit is going on too I just get so overwhealmed and can't seem to cope and it's often my uni that suffers.. 

To answer your question @Jess1-RO it's a GP that's overseeing my medications at the moment. Although, I often feel like she doesn't get me or really even care to listen properly? It's just like she is more interested in writing a script and sending me on my way. I don't know. Like I trust my psych more than her when it comes to my meds. And I kind of just wish my psych could do it for me because I feel like she'd have a much better idea of my needs. I don't know? Like I had a strange feeling that other things might have been bringing on and affecting some of my mental health - like eating or my thyroid or something etc. This was when I was finding it really hard to accept I was 'mentally ill' so was trying to find other excuses. So I requested a blood test from my GP (she never suggested one before prescribing the meds) and turns out my iron and B12 were crazy low so I need weekly injections and daily supplements. So I don't know, ever since then I feel like she isn't really in it to care or help? I've thought about changing GPs but my psych recommended her so I'm kind of scared to for some reason.. 

I think your idea to see your psych 3 more times before choosing not to go back is a great one @Alison5 so thanks for sharing! I will think about it. And I have a feeling I'll eventually cave and go back but right now I think my emotions are a bit too high because I'm pretty turned off the idea. It's like I know I need her but I don't want too if that makes sense? I know it's silly but it really upset me and made me feel pretty worthless when she mentioned cutting back. Like she asked what I thought and I didn't want her to think I was like a child and too attached so I told her it was fine. But it's clearly not because if it was I wouldn't be feeling like this would I? I don't know. I think I'm going to take a break like you suggested @Eden1717. I know it's not going to be easy but I do think I need to try and find it in myself to trust that I can do this alone again because I am worried I've become too reliant on her. I do love your analogy about it being like when you're a toddler @Alison5. And it's like part of me agrees and understands but the other part beats myself up for acting like a reliant toddler and keeps telling me how pathetic I am and how I should be able to cope on my own. I HATE the voices inside my head! It's like there are two of me. One that is open and accepting and one that is so shut off and unaccommodating. I also loved the plummer analogy - you should write a book of them! 😂

Thanks for always being there guys ❤

Hi @MB95,

There has been so much support and great insights from @Eden1717 and @Alison5 who can both relate to what you are going through  

At the moment, who is overseeing your medication? Do you have a GP or Psychiatrist? (apologies if you have mentioned this and I have missed it) 
It may be worth bringing some of the questions you have, and maybe some of the thoughts from other community members to the professional overseeing your medication and talk through your wants with them. They will be able to give you all the information you need to make an informed decision for your recovery  

Every time I read your posts, I am so impressed by how much thought and reflection you put into seeking help, and the path for seeking help that you feel best suits you. I am so glad you have been open with us- it can be hard to open up to psychologists and build that trust, and while you do we are also here to listen! Any decisions you make with your professionals about the way forward for your recovery, we will be here to support you 

Hi @MB95,

Heads up: This is a very long post! 😛

Firstly, what you wrote made perfect sense! I’m sorry you had that pretty terrible day when coming off the medication. I remember I went away for a 3 day sport thing and forgot all of my medication. I knew what happened when I missed a dose so tried to mentally prepare myself. So, I always feel much more suicidal, moody, irritable and just sick. But, it’s still so hard to change that frame of mind when the effects are so major. 
I’m glad that you’ll try and ween off them more slowly. However, and it’s totally a personal thing and I get you being anti medication, as I sort of am, but I can recognize that, yes, like you, they reduce some of the suicidal thoughts. 
But, don’t you think the reduction of SOME of the thoughts is better than none? Think back to when you last felt suicidal and just how awful it was. Now think that if you come off the medication, that will be more frequent. I’m not wanting to sway you in a direction because it is your choice, but this is simply what I thought about when I was in the same position as you. 

As for the time you’ve been on them, I definitely get that you thought you’d be feeling much better all round. Not so numb and less suicidal and less anxious, but tbh, compared to myself, I had no positive affects after 6 months of medication. 
This is my fifth year on medication and we are still adjusting it all the time. Some of them have worked in some aspects, so we alter it to help other areas and then problems may arise so we try a new one altogether or add an additional one. 
It is an extremely long and painful process, but now that I have found a concoction that, compared to when I first started, has absolutely changed my life for the better, I do not regret the 5 years of side effects and changing and everything. And it has been mentioned the long term goal will to be off all medication, but I can’t deny the fact it has helped. Mentally, it was hard to get my head around the fact that this medication was making me so sick but I should keep trying them, but now that there’s been some success, it is all worth it. And I constantly remind myself of the beginning and now and the comparison is great. 
You’ve also got to take a bit of control. So I became sick of feeling just sad and crying about random things as a direct result of medication. It helped with anxiety and suicidal thoughts etc, but the crying was so annoying. So I just walked in to my psychologist who is also a psychiatrist and was like “I can’t take it anymore. I need to change the medication. I just cry over random things.” And he was like, right. Okay. Thanks for telling me and that same session he altered it and it was great. But had I not told him and sort of demanded a change, I likely would have stayed on that dose. 
So maybe you can look at what the future of altering medication etc. holds for you. Because, I can assure you that the chances of finding a concoction of medication that does all those things you mentioned, is very likely,  but you just have to stick with it and accept it may take some time. 😃 👍🏼

Regarding the guilt, just think about when you do find the right combo of medication how much happier you and your family will be for you. You wouldn’t hesitate taking medication for pain if you broke your arm etc. And this is a type of pain. It’s a terrible mental pain which sometimes requires medication to help ease it. 
Again, I don’t want to push you to do anything, I just want to give my perspective and experience so you can make a well-rounded decision. 😊

In terms of your psych, what I used to do when I thought, ”Nope. I’m not seeing them again.” I gave them 3 more sessions before making up my mind. Because I knew that the reason I disliked it may have been a result of many things unrelated to our relationship. So, perhaps I was having a particularly bad day or maybe they were! Or perhaps I wasn’t listening or was distracted. So I made sure to go another 3 times and if then I still believe it’s not a good fit, I’ll make the next move to find someone else. 

And I know many people have said it, but it’s the job of a psych to take on your problems and help you work through them. When you hire a plumber to fix your leaking tap, you don’t feel guilty or like a burden for making them come and fix it and a psych is no different. It’s literally their job and it’s what you pay them for, just like a plumber. They actually need you for business but they’re obviously not going to abuse that also. 
I would out rightly ask why she thinks fortnightly will be better and then that can help you ease into sharing your thoughts that you are struggling a bit more and would prefer weekly. 

Just let her know that you’re not sure you’re ready to talk about ... trauma yet and maybe start with something easier. Just ease into it. Unfortunately it is a long and tiring process, but I guarantee it will be worth it!

And it’s so much easier to have support than do it alone. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. In this time of great difficulty, relying on your psych is not a bad thing. It’s like when you’re a toddler. You have to have your parents there or you’ll do something dangerous or silly like run on the road. Until you learn and practice that that’s something you shouldn’t do, you have to rely on your parents. 
Over time, your parents will slowly let you be more independent and learn and try things and I can assure you that your psych will ease you off relying on her. They’re a professional and know how to do it really well without leaving you feeling alone and incapable. 

I know that was a ridiculously long post, but just wanted to get it down before I forgot haha. 

You're doing so well @MB95! 💜

@MB95  It is your choice about the meds and actually I am generally very anti meds if I am honest. But I think if you are going to get withdrawals from them then I would wait until after your external life has settled down for a while before you start coming off them. I would think now to be a bad time to be having to deal with withdrawals..... also if the reason you are not wanting to take them is because you feel guilty then I would encourage you think deeply about that. Being on them is not a sign of weakness or something anyone should feel guilty about which would make me question if that is the depression voice trying to self sabotage. But also you did say the suicide thoughts had reduced which would indicate it had helped a little and that is really all it is for to take the edge off they are in no way a magic fix or even likely to make you feel a lot better...I am not saying you should take them or shouldn’t but I think maybe think about when and how and why you want to be off them carefully some people get very bad withdrawals and if you are thinking of doing it now while things are so intense I would think it would end in a negative way.... but again this it just my opinion and I am not trying to sound pushy. 

In terms of the therapy would it be better for you to take a break and then when things have settled in regards to your housing situation maybe go back in a few months and see how you are feeling. Of course the trauma stuff can only be dealt with when you are ready and maybe tell your psych you are not ready so they know about it. I just get the feeling that the  are feeling from your life situation may be making its way into your other areas of life. I am all for choosing the kind of help you want and I am not even going to argue that therapy is very helpful because for some people it actually isn’t but I can’t help but feel that maybe the lense you are making your descions from is one that is heavily covered with stress and often stress makes us want to hide and get rid of everything around us. I would encourage you to take some time and sleep on things before making the final decision then you are likely to not have any regrets. 

I hope I don’t sound too pushy it is not intended at all I just think these ar big decisions and don’t want you to have regrets.

Honestly, thank you so much guys. Your messages of support really do mean a lot. I REALLY appreciate it. 

I'm sorry if I sound like a bit of a downer and that I'm giving up, but when I get like this it's like I lose control of everything. Your messages are helping me see things from other perspectives though, so thanks. Because like @Alison5 mentioned, I have been pretty tunnel visioned the past few days so thanks for making me realise it, I definately needed it. 

Regarding the meds, I think I'm pretty set on the idea of coming off them. I have no issues with them and would NEVER dream of judging someone for being on them but for some reason I can't help but be so disappointed in myself and feel pathetic about needing them. I've been on them almost 6months maybe and I honestly haven't noticed much of a change, even after upping my dose. The only thing I've noticed is my thoughts of suicide are not as regular. But they still appear and I still go to do stupid things, so they defs haven't worked the way I'd imagined. The numbness is still there and it hasn't taken away my anxiety or depression as I'd hoped. I never wanted to go on them because I'm pretty against medications anyway but my psych thought it would be a good idea so I decided to give it a try. I feel like if it was going to do anything for me it would have done it by now. I also feel so much guilt being on them because none of my family knows, mum did ask the other week when I gave them the letter about me seeing a psych, but I couldn't tell her so I just said I wasn't. So I would rather come off them so I don't have to hide the truth from them too!! But I promise you all I will ease off them properly, I missed a dose the other day and holey shit did I pay for it. It was like I was having withdrawals or some shit because my body did not like it. So I don't particularly want to experience those physical things again! 

As for seeing my psych.. your analogy really did make sense @Alison5 and I loved it. What you said hit home the way I needed it to I think, so thanks. I do think highly of my psych but I don't know, I just feel like she doesn't know me and that she thinks I have my shit together so much more than what I do but I'm so scared to tell her how much I'm struggling because I don't want to upset her and make her think her intervention isn't working. I also feel like I'm wasting her time and that she's sick of me which is why she wants to cut back our sessions. I don't want to be a burden to her and I know for sure that if she starts to bring up some of the traumas we've mentioned that I am going to be a burden because I really don't know if I can deal with it on my own. I want too, but after the last couple days of her just mentioning it and not even going into things and feeling the way I have, I know I won't cope. 

I hope I didn't make it sound like she was pushing me into it because she's not. She asked me a few things I might like to work on this year (I gave her a list last year of all the things I want to deal with) so I mentioned one from the list thinking I could cope, but I thought wrong. It's like part of me really wants to learn to deal with it because I know it's where so many of my issues stem from, but the other part of me is so emotionally shut off to it and won't let me go anywhere near it. So I just freaked when she started mentioning the word trauma and theraputic techniques she might use to help me through it. It just really scared me. And my immediate reaction is to often bolt. To the point where I've legit moved overseas to escape it all. So I'm trying really hard, but I'm not going to lie - I did seriously consider booking a one way ticket overseas that night, and have still been thinking about it. Part of me does want to go back to her, but the other part of me really doesn't. I'm so scared and I know I shouldn't be but I'm sad and kind of angry and hurt that she asked about cutting back our sessions. I'm also really worried I've become too reliant on her like you mentioned @Eden1717 and I know that if we start to talk about actual serious shit then I'm going to be an emotional mess and get so attached to her which I don't want because it'll turn her off wanting to work with me even more!!! I don't know what to do and I don't know how to tell her I need more help than I'm letting on like you mentioned @MisoBear. I'm usually the strong one that people come to for help, so asking for it is not something I really know how to do.. and if I do ask I feel ashamed and like I'm being such a burden to people. I just feel like I'm not worth helping if that makes sense? 

I know that was a rediculously long rant and I promise to try keep it shorter next time but you guys are all I have for support at the moment and I just wanted to try and get my thoughts out a bit and reply to all your messages seems you all took the time to get back to mine. I think I've answered most of yours above @Bre-RO but also wanted to say thanks for the link and for trying to make me feel less guilty about having such a rant lol 

You guys, and this entire community, truly are amazing ❤ Rock bottom is so much easier to deal with knowing that I have your support so THANKYOU ❤

Hi @MB95,

I'm sorry to hear things have been a bit tough. It sucks doesn't it? You do something really hard and you push through (like when telling your parents) and then something else happens! 

I actually really liked @MisoBear's response. Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, but taking it from a logical perspective, what has been said is quite true. (Remember I like to look at things logically 😛 haha)

This also goes the same for the medication. Do speak to a doctor if you can and as @MisoBear said, this is probably the time you most need to be on them.

So, if you really think about it, would you be better off without your psych? I understand the last session might not have been great, but before that, all I've heard from you was that she really understood you and it was finally someone you could talk to. I'm just pointing this out as a reminder as we often become tunnel visioned when we are feeling down. And that's how life regrets or mistakes are made, which ultimately make things worse.

This very odd analogy just came to me, but i'm running with it...

A psych is similar to owning a puppy (well i'm saying it is haha). You love it (talk to them) and you play all the time (visit weekly), but it also poops inside (offends us or says something we don't agree with) and chews your furniture at around 6 months when it's teething badly (says they want to meet less frequently). Do you send it back? No. You work it through and you make it clear to the puppy where it toilets and what it can and can't chew. Then you both find a happy medium. This is what needs to be done with your psych. Decide your boundaries around your trauma, work out the frequency of your visits and really make sure you're being honest from the start. The puppy won't know to stop chewing things unless you tell them not to which is the same as telling your psych you want to see her more often.

Sorry if that made no sense. I just think you have to take some time and focus on yourself and really think about what YOU want before making any decisions. You can do this and we're all here with you for each step of the way.

Hey @MB95,

I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. That really sucks and I wish there was more I could do for you, but I'll offer my words of support.

I completely get feeling like your psychologist has made things worse, I've definitely felt that way in the past. I'm wondering if I might be able to shed a bit of light onto some of her actions (obviously I don't know her and your situation intimately, but I have also seen psychologists on and off for many years. I have seen my current psychologist for 3 years now).

1) The trauma stuff. I can also completely get where you're coming from. If you're not ready to talk about it, the number one thing that I would do in your situation is to just be firm and say that you'd prefer to focus on x, y z (i.e. your current major issues). I think that unpacking trauma is important to get to the deeper causes or reasons for what you're feeling, but it needs to be something that's done when you feel ready to do it. That might not be for ages, but your psychologist may think you're ready for it because you haven't been fully transparent with her about how you're feeling. I know this might be tough to hear, but your psychologist won't know how you're feeling unless you're completely honest with her. That's not easy, and requires a lot of trust (which it seems like maybe you're not quite there yet and that's completely fine). It also takes time, I sometimes am not fully honest with my psych because I worry that telling her things may burden her. But you're actually paying for her to listen to you say whatever you need to say, and work through whatever you need to work through. As weird as it sounds, her feelings kind of don't matter. She will work through what she needs to work through in her own time, but she's there for you to tell everything you can't tell other people in your life. If you really feel like she's not the right fit for you, maybe you could ask for a referral to someone else who is better suited. 

2) Cutting back sessions. Psychologists usually do this because they think you're getting better and therefore they aren't charging you for weekly sessions you don't need anymore. If you're struggling with stuff but not telling her, she may just think you're making a lot more improvement than you are. I know it seems like she's pulling away, and maybe she is (I don't know her as I said), but I would hazard a guess that she thinks you're doing a lot better and therefore she doesn't want to charge you for sessions you don't need (that would be considered unethical by the standards of practice as a psychologist). I went from weekly sessions to fortnightly sessions, to monthly sessions to now just calling and booking when I need a check in. I remember feeling kind of offended when my psych first suggested meeting less often. It's like you pour your heart out to someone and then it clicks that they're actually a professional who's helping you, because sometimes it can feel like talking to a friend. If you want to see her more frequently then you may need to let her know that you need more support than you're getting. I'm sorry because I know that's really hard, but I think this would be better than just stopping seeing her, but it's ultimately your life and your decision and I know you'll make the right one for you. 

3) Please work with your doctor to come off your meds, if you decide to. It's really dangerous to try and come off them by yourself. Also, in my experience the times where I wanted to come off medication were usually the times where I actually needed it the most. I've seen many friends do the same thing and suffer for it. I took myself suddenly off anti-depressants and it was an awful, awful experience. Please consult with a doctor if you want to do it.

4) That's awesome that you're hoping to get some more family support, you deserve nothing but support and love. I'm sorry if this message seemed a bit tough love, I think you're such a great member of the RO community and I care a lot about you. I have so much empathy for your situation. I've been there, I've hit my rock bottom and it really sucked. I hope that you're able to do what's right for you, but also act cautiously. Sometimes we think we can do things alone, but in my experience, everything just gets harder. Humans need other humans, it's how we're hardwired. You deserve so much support and I hope that you get it. 

Hey @MB95 

I want you to know that you don't have to apologise for having a rant here. I think that's what is really helpful about this community, is that you can express your thoughts and feelings and that in itself can take some pressure off. 

I want to echo what @Eden1717 said here about making sure you speak to your doctor and make a plan to ween off, if that is what you think is best for you at this time. I also remember you speaking about your psychologist and the feelings you were having between sessions. That was and is really hard to sit with  

Unpacking trauma is something you should feel ready to do. Do you think you'd gel better with a psych/counsellor that is happy to work on other things with you? 

I wanted to link a website called Ask Izzy which is an online directory to a range of services, including housing and mental well-being (and so much more). You just pop your post code in, answer a few questions and it will bring up some helpful services in your area. 

We're thinking of you. 

@MB95  sorry things are still hard for you. I would be careful with the meds and while I am not pro meds per say if you stop them suddenly you can get an increase of anxiety and depression symptoms so if you did want to come off I would advise to get a doctor to help you taper off. 

As for the psychologist I can understand the feelings of rejection when asked to have less frequent sessions. Is it possible to tell your psych that you are feeling that way and explore why perhaps that is the case. I find seeing psychologists can have mixed effects, it can be a good source of support but it can at times make us reliant on that support to continue basic functioning. Sometimes you start to feel like you won’t last a week if you don’t see the psychologist and it can make you feel very incapable of regulating yourself because you start to rely on someone else doing it for you. I personally think that if you have a clear purpose for seeing a psych then it works better than if you go in with no idea what you want. I guess it is up to you but I would talk to the psych first before quitting and see if there is something you can do to make the sessions more helpful. 

Thanks @Andrea-RO @Alison5 @Eden1717 @MisoBear. I saw your messages yesterday but didn't have it in me to reply. I do really appreciate the support and advice though. My anxiety was a bit too crazy to call because I am staying at a friend's house from uni at the moment seems I'm currently homeless, so I was scared she'd hear me. I have tried the online ones before like some of you suggested but I didn't find them to be helpful. Reach Out is the only online platform I've found to be helpful. I just don't feel heard on any of the others for some reason. So I just pushed through it as best as I could last night until I eventually fell asleep.

My thoughts aren't as strong today so I've been doing a little better, just exhausted. When I get to the point where I'm scaring myself I can't seem to think straight so I'm glad today has been a bit easier. 

Seeing my psych defs made things worse. She mentioned a trauma she wants to start working through with me but she also mentioned about cutting back from weekly sessions to fortnightly which really upset me and stupidly made me feel like I wasn't worth her time. I struggle alot between our sessions as it is but I never tell her how I'm really feeling because I want her to think I'm okay. I know it's stupid but I don't want to worry her. It's all good anyway. I think I've decided to stop seeing her all together and go back to dealing with things on my own because I feel like it was easier. I think I just need some time on my own to get my head straight because it always happens. When I start to open up to people they start to pull away and it's like they don't want to deal with me. I always end up alone and hurt and I'm not going to put myself through it again. 

Now that my parents know I was seeing a psych I'm hoping I might eventually be able to open up to them and get help that way. I don't know. I just feel like my meds and psych are just making things worse rather than helping at the moment. I've also decided to come off my meds because they clearly aren't working. I'm just over it all at the moment and was really hoping the new year might change things!!!! But it hasn't even been a month and I've already managed to hit rock bottom. 

Sorry for the rant. I'm just really lost and lonely. 

Hey @MB95,

I'm sorry things are really tough for you right now. Lifeline is really good if you're feeling like you're in a crisis. I've called before. They're really calming and help you talk through what you're going through. They are not judgement for the reasons you're calling (they've heard literally everything before, you can't shock them and they won't judge you at all). The people on the other end have had heaps of training and really care (it takes a lot of commitment to volunteer there so they really want to be there for you). I would definitely recommend just biting the bullet and calling them if you need some support. They helped me out of a really dark time. There are also other helplines like Kids Helpline if don't want to call lifeline. 

@MB95  I won’t tell you my opinion on helplines but there are some that offer online chat if you don’t want to call. 

Hey @MB95, 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with your thoughts after your therapist appointment. It can really suck when we do something that is beneficial for us in the long run, but can be painful, uncomfortable, or just plain feels bad in the immediate aftermath. This is super true for therapy, cause we can often bring up feelings or thoughts that hurt, but may not have time to fully resolve them in the session. 

Your idea of calling a helpline is a really great one for the interim, particularly if you're dealing with some difficult thoughts. Most helplines are focused on crisis support so they are the best thing to call when you're feeling like hurting yourself or anything like that. Most helplines will also often just let you chat for a little while and let off some steam if you need to. While what they do is often different to the sort of support/structure of a 'normal' or conventional therapy session, it can still be really helpful to just have someone listen. 

It can even be helpful to explain that you're feeling a little nervous to call, or that you just want a chat, because then the counsellor knows where you're coming from. Sometimes they may have to end the call early because of other factors (e.g. the phone lines being really busy that night, etc), but don't be discouraged if they do! It's not cause of you, it's just other things getting in the way unfortunately. 

I hope this helps! And best of luck with your call!!

I read through your whole passage and I think it’s good that you find it helpful to let it out here. As a student living alone, I have those thoughts and feelings too. Like why am I still not mature enough or why am still not as good as others in taking care of my life. I think you are doing great by being aware of it, and working so that it doesn’t get to you. 

@MB95  Idk what uni you go to but my uni half the people that live in student accommodation are not fresh out of school neither am I. But if it is cheaper then that makes sense. Would it help to make a list of everything you have to do and even just do 3 things per day? Motivation can be hard to deal with but maybe small steps will be easier than trying to do everything at the same time. If you are worried about the eating then perhaps you could talk to your psychologist about it...

@MB95  There are many people who share your feelings you are not alone coping with stress is hard, have you looked into the student accommodation options at your uni? I much prefer the student accommodation as it is furnished and cheaper as utilities are included already. Plus it is quiet and I get my own space. Shopping can be very stressful I have to go with a plan for what I want and go in and out quickly.