TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I wouldn't say KHL let me down- I just have a new counsellor now who is equally as lovely and helpful 🙂 Sorry you haven't found them helpful the last 4 times you tried- but good on you for trying! There is also eheadspace which has short term counselling, however they have a more cautious duty of care policy I believe. Sometimes it can take a while to find someone you click with so don't let that stop you from reaching out for support!
Oh no it sounds like these people who do know aren't supportive in a way that's good for you 😞 It's strange but SH can sort of be 'contagious' like that. If we see others do it and it works for them, we can become desensitised to it? Are these people you know in person?
I know there's a lot of stigma with ASD but perhaps getting support from a professional can get you the help you need. There's nothing wrong with having ASD, and I know you know that, you just don't want to feel different, hey 😞 No one else would have to know, the school has to keep stuff like that private
I don't think you'd be a burden to your parents if you asked for help 😞
Yeah but still it's a big step to reach out for help when you're struggling, so you should still be so proud of yourself 🙂
Ooh I just had a thought- have you ever tried emailing KHL? You seem so good at writing out your feelings when you have time to think about them and posting them on here, that would seem to more align with a kind of email format? Perhaps starting with that (if you haven't already tried that) could be helpful? Just an idea though!
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah... Thank you, I really appreciate it. 🙂
Yeah, I think it’s sad too. And yes, I think that words what went down very nicely. I couldn’t describe it myself, if I tried...
I do feel a little bad about it, but that’s because I don’t want anyone to find out or they’ll freak. But some people know, but they are fellow SH’ers. They don’t really care, even if its not healthy...
Yup, I hate it. But it’s so weird! Normally I would be okay with performing it. But ever since the start of this year, I’ve been really really anxious about performing my english tasks. First my Persuasive speech, which was allowed to be recorded, but I didn’t do it properly because of a rushed timeframe, and now this. I wish I could get out of it, but I’d need an anxiety diagnosis or something to do that... and I won’t get one in time for it, either. Even then, if I were to go and get one, the Professional who has the ability to do that, would prefer to diagnose me with ASD, which makes me feel way to different compared to everyone else, and makes life difficult for my parents, who have to go with me to get the tests and stuff done in the first place. I can’t burden them with that either... 😔
I have tried KHL, but they weren’t very helpful the last 4 times I tried them. That was both the Chat and the Call. I don’t think I can go to them again, when you and Bananatime04 were let down by one of the counsellor there too...
I’ve already done a bunch of drawings, I’ll post them, but I need to edit one of them. But it kind of describes what I’m feeling, just not quite all of it...
Thank you, it kinda took a bit for me to actually post it. But then again, its easier here than in real life... 😐
Oh @xXLexi_Lou122Xx stuff has been so hard for you lately 😞 I'm so glad you reached out today, we're always here for you- you're not a burden on anyone
I'm so sad and concerned that you've been in so much pain that it's led you to self-harm 😞 I'm sorry it's gotten to the point where you felt you had to give into that intrusive voice in your head. It sounds like you tried your very best not to but things got so overwhelming and you had no other way of coping? I hope you don't feel bad about this as SH is sadly such a common coping mechanism and a sign that you're really struggling.
Writing a monologue for english and having to perform it- ugh I cringe at the idea. It brings back so many bad memories from school haha! Anyway what I'm trying to say is it's totally normal to feel anxious about it, so I hope you don't feel like you're alone. Heck one time I had a speech thing for english and just burst into tears instead (the teacher was very understanding and let me speak when I was ready). School is not easy, it can make you feel inadequate, anxious, isolated, etc. 😞 And it can get so much harder when you're struggling with mental health difficulties. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Of course we can help you. We're here to listen and support you as much as we can 
The worrying about confidentiality absolutely sucks. How can you be expected to get support when you're worried your parents will find out? It's such a hard thing. Have you ever tried KHL? They might be able to help with safety stuff- they don't tell your parents stuff (unless you're at immediate risk)
I know you're really good at art Lexi, do you think you could draw how you're feeling so we could understand better? Would that be helpful at all?
We're here to listen to as much or as little as you need to share. And again thank you so much for reaching out tonight 🙂 It's not an easy thing to talk about all this stuff so I'm really proud of you
I’m not really okay. I just don’t want to burden anyone here. I already burden the world with my presence...
(I am safe, and always will be, but my thoughts are very intrusive at the moment.)
I started to self-harm a month ago, not properly, but I somehow started to... I won’t tonight, I’m safe, but I guess I’m disappointed in myself for giving in to it. For giving in to the voice in my head.
I have so much stress from assessments, particularly English, where I have to write a monologue and then perform it. Normally I could perform, but for some reason I have a lot of anxiety about it. There’s something about performing solo when it comes to acting, that I just can’t do. I can sing a song, or play an instrument solo, but I can’t act alone. But I can’t record the task either, because it has to be live. But I just can’t do it. It’s so stupid. I love performing, but my anxiety that hasn’t been diagnosed and is being mistaken for ASD is getting in my way.
I just want all this hard stuff to go away. I don’t want to perform. I don’t want to burden people with my health and mental problems or my schoolwork needs. My teachers already seem to treat me like that, at least...
Can someone please help me? I don’t know what to do about English, or how to feel anymore. I just want to cry in someone’s arms, and tell them everything, but the someone I want to tell will have to say something to my parents. I can’t let my parents find out.. If they do, they’ll send me to a psychologist that can’t help me. My brain is weird. I can’t talk to someone about this stuff, because they ill think I’m at risk. I probably am, too. But I’m safe, and I’m managing fine right now.
Why can’t I just tell someone without the burden of them carrying it and then having to report it to someone? It hurts so bad... I wish I could be normal again...
Even my friends don’t seem to like me being around anymore. At least I think that’s the case... They don’t talk to me really. I’m kinda the outsider still. And it hurts...
I wish I could describe how I feel here properly, but it won’t work without a visual of my face or the sound of my voice when I try to type this...
Basically, my life is pretty shit right now. I want the bad things to go away, and I want to be in someone’s arms for a while to tell them everything. But its not possible.
I am safe, and hopefully will be for a while.
Oh yeah, I agree that you can definitely get some good grabs at the op shop @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. I found some awesome clothes that I used for my step-mums birthday party last year as it was 70's themed ! I couldn't find any good clothes at other shops, so the op-shops were my saving grace 
It sucks to hear that was your experience at your last school, that must have been such a difficult time. I am so glad to hear that this school has been supportive of you and your needs. It sounds like they have made a positive impact on you and your schooling by providing you with various help when you had reached out for support.
I definitely agree with you and Bre, grades can be such a tough thing going through school. I have found it to be difficult too because it can sometimes feel like our ability and intelligence is measured by our performance in class/our grades. But you are spot on when you mentioned that being able to choose our own subjects that we are interested in means that might stand a better chance with our grades. Being interested in what you are learning is very important and sometimes we can't do as well as we might have wanted to do on assessments simply because we couldn't remember certain things. This is because our brain decided that it wasn't interesting/important enough for us to remember! Definitely not a helpful thing when it comes to school assessments though!
I think you have the right attitude here, looking positive towards the future and your ability to choose classes is awesome. I think sometimes people can be so hesitant about starting VCE/VCAL as it can be scary, but the ability to choose classes that you actually want to do is such a great factor about those two years. I hope that you have a big selection of interesting classes and that you are able to enrol in all of the classes that you want to study. It's also awesome that you're thinking about uni. Is there a specific course that you are interested in studying?
Yeah, I found it funny. Everyone else I've told, also found it very funny and true. 😄
I've gotten some good clothes though, Its quite a good place to go to when you need more clothes, but don't have the money for brand new clothes. Sometime you even find new clothes with their original tags on them still!
Yeah... grades can be a tough thing. I guess I'm a little annoyed at my last school, because they never got me any help with schoolwork or in class time. And the support I got for my mental health, wasn't very good, either... also annoyed at myself, for not asking for help when I should have, but it's quite difficult to do, when the help you need isn't given to you. So its not entirely my fault, but it still hurts to get such low grades... And it hurts even more, when your siblings and best friends get academic awards, and you don't. That's kind of what's going on for me at the moment. I see myself as a failure, because my grades are so low, compared to theirs. I range between a C to a B, with only 1 A in all of my report cards. And I thought it would be Art, that I achieve an A, not Maths... oh well, maybe I am good at maths... 😐
I can't wait to get to year 11. Then I can choose most of my subjects, and be okay with my grades, as long as I get high enough grades that I get into the uni I want to study at.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx haha love what you said about op-shops I didn't think about the fact that most of my clothes are hand me downs from strangers hahaha
Also, just wanted to share with you when it comes to grades, I know that it's really hard when you feel like people around you are doing better in school. My younger sibling always got better grades in school. I'm a really firm believer that your grades at school, even for the HSC/VCE, doesn't not at all determine your intelligence, your value or your future success. It's really hard when you're in the midst of school but it won't be like this forever
Yeah, the op shop was great! My mum signed up for the loyalty program, and they get new stock in every day, making a definite bargain, every time you go! I can’t wait to go there again. It’s kinda funny, because my grandma was saying that I never got hand me downs from my older sibling, because I don’t have one. My mum responded with “she got them all from her cousin”, who is older than me by 2 years. Now that I’m older, and so is my cousin, we don’t do hand me downs. Now that I think about it, I still get them, only they’re from random humans who donate to opshops!
Thanks for the template, I’ll have a look at it when I get the chance, early tomorrow morning. I started one using resume.io, and its okay, but I’m still struggling with it. What kind of job did that involve? It interests me, the different kinds of jobs there are! 😄
Yeah, its pretty cool. But the things that I draw are sometimes really bad, like drawing sh. It’s not sh for me, but a few months ago, it used to be... Now I’m drawing it, to make a bigger picture of the process of depression and anxiety. I’ll have to post a version of it when its done. 🙂
It depends on what the situation is, that makes me feel down. If my parents have yelled at me, then I’m more likely to feel worse afterwards. The same is when I start thinking of how much I have let others down/how I haven’t got as good grades as my YOUNGER siblings. Other situations, I will feel better. Which isn’t likely, but oh well...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , sorry to hear you have a cold at the moment ,getting sick in holidays always feels so unfair hey! I hope you can rest up and feel better very soon. That sounds like an awesome haul from the op-shop! It's a great feeling when you walk away with heaps of new things for a bargain price 😄
Writing your first resume can feel pretty daunting - I can say though that when I was in a job where I hired a lot of teenagers, I was always really impressed when people had just made the effort. I found this template which might be helpful, it's one that is made especially for people who are still at school and might not have worked in a formal job before - I like how it lists all of your skills up the top, I'm sure you have gained heaps of amazing skills through volunteering and school.
I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling a bit down, but it's great that you can channel those feelings into your art. Do you usually feel better after you've done that?
I managed to catch my youngest sisters cold, and that is annoying, but I'm hopefully nearly over it. It's only a sore throat and burny/runny nose, but I want to go to school when we go back, so I hope it all goes through quickly. 😐
I went op-shopping today, at a new op-shop. I got so many new things, I'm glad I got them! Just some new clothes, for winter and for church, which is good. 🙂
I'm also a little bit down, but I don't have a reason for it. I just started thinking down about myself, for no reason. And then I started to draw a sad picture, but it's also a good one? I don't know how to explain it.
I'm okay, just a little confused, tired, and wanting to feel a little happier...
Yeah, she did hurt me a little with that, but its fine. I'm used to that stuff happening with her, she's just the person who doesn't ask before doing something.
That's what I was thinking! I just don't know how to put those experiences into the format I have... It's kinda frustrating me... 😐
Does anyone have any tips? I found a job I might apply for, but I need to finish my resume first! 🙂
That does sound scary @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I can definitely understand how that could be a scary experience. I am glad to hear that you are feeling a lot better about it now and that your school has been really involved and understanding of how to best support you. I am sorry to hear about what happened with your sister, I can see how that would have been hurtful 
. I am glad to hear that she apologised and that you will be able to add some more detail to the painting later. It sounds like you have made really lovely painting. The volunteering that you do sounds really awesome! I imagine that you would have some really great skills from those experiences that you would be able to focus on in your resumes and talk about in potential job interviews I wish you luck with writing your resume, as it can be tricky at times knowing what to write about!
Thank you. 🙂 It's a little bit scary still, but only when people call an ambulance. For some reason, I feel nervous around those people... 😐
My last one was a little bit traumatic, but only because I was taken to hospital in an ambulance, which I've never done before. And without my parents, seeing as I've never had to go to emergency before. I'm not really distressed about it anymore, and I'm definitely feeling a lot better about it now. Especially now that I'm getting a referral to the school nurse, to get a protocol for my episodes. That way, all staff will know about it, and they'll also know what to do when I do have one. I'm glad that my school is organised like that. My last school was nothing like that... 🙂
Yes, it is annoying! And hurtful, but that's what happens sometimes... I did talk to her, but she wasn't listening properly. She half ignored me, so I stopped trying. She hopped out of the pool a little later, and apologised to me, but it didn't really do much. Hopefully, I can add a bit more sunset in later. Intricate parts are very hard! I went and bought a bunch of paintbrushes today, so I can paint on the trees and bushes. My sister doesn't know I have them yet! 😄 Painting is a little lard, I much prefer drawing, because pencils are much more controllable than paint is. but its fun, when you know what you're doing. 🙂
I hope so too, I've never had a job before! I've done a lot of volunteer work at my church though... does that count? its more to do with minding children and assistant teaching the primary school kids. 🙂
Lol, its the admin army again!
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
You display a lot of resilience in the way you speak about fainting episodes, you said you're feeling more used to it now, does that make it a bit easier to recover from?
You also said it was a bit traumatic, I'm sorry that its causing you distress, do you feel like you need more support around this?
That is so annoying that your sister painted over your sunset! Have you spoken to her about how it made you feel? I can imagine it was really hurtful. It's cool that you did the intricate parts of it, I don't know anything about painting, but that sounds hard to me!
I hope your resume writing and job applications go well, And that you're able to organise some fun things for your holidays too 
It is a little scary, but I'm kinda used to it now... I didn't wake up in hospital though, I woke up in the sick bay at school lol. I was out for longer than I normally am, so I think that's why they called the ambulance in the first place. Even then, they don't know when I first went out anyway...
I am definitely feeling better now, but it was a little traumatic for me. I'm okay now though. 🙂
Oof, that isn't fun! I somehow manage to have an episode when no one is around, which is weird. But there were people outside the room I was in, they just didn't see me, nor did they check on me while I was there. I guess they are more aware of what will happen, after last Wednesday! I still feel bad for worrying them all though. Even the principal popped his head in, when the ambos had started checking my vital signs.
Yeah, I'm glad too! They were stressing me out. Well, they were stressing me out in my subconscious. I think that was what was making me restless at night, making me not have enough sleep...
Yes! It's nearly done, I can't wait to post it! although, my sister decided to paint over the sunset part I did, which really hurt... I would have let her, if she came and spoke to me before she did it. Even then, if she'd left a bit of the sunset I did uncovered, I wouldn't have minded as much as I did. 😞 Oh well, its done now. I'll just see what else I can do, to make it look like I had done something in the painting. Even if I did the most intricate parts... 😐
@Janine-RO yeah, you too! 🙂
Well, uh... see above lol
they weren't really able to tell me anything about what was wrong, but they discharged me without running any blood tests or other major tests. they just took my blood pressure, temperature, an ECG, blood sugar, and my pulse. And some others, as normal emergency room procedures (I assume).
We think it was from my lack of sleep, because I had been sleeping terribly for the last month and a half. Also because I was going to bed late to get school work done, and getting up early to get to school.
And as I said before, I can't wait to show you all! I don't really have much planned, but I'm probably going to go through the family craft cupboard, and see what I can do with that stuff. Or find out what I need to get rid of, and then buy some actual art supplies instead. I'm more into visual art now, than I am craft sets! my mum will help me, too.
I'm trying to organise a day with my friends over these holidays, but only one person has responded. I think I might only hang out with one person, and hang out with all of them next hols. which are 6 weeks, thank goodness! I'm also going to try and write my resume, so I can apply for a good job when something pops up. There have been a few, but they were gone before I could even finish my resume off! *sigh*
@lost_Space_Explorer5 I'm back online now, I'll catch up on the games threads! 😄 Its good that you've been alright, its better than not being okay, i guess. 🙂
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , it's really nice to see your name pop up here! I'm sorry to hear that you're still having issues with fainting though, it must have been really scary waking up in the hospital. Were they able to give you any ideas about why this has been happening for you?
It's great to hear that you've been working on some more art, would love to see it when it's done! 🙂 Do you have anything planned for your school holidays?
@TOM-RO All good! Yeah, not enough sleep seems to be the cause of my episodes at the moment, too...
Yeah, I might. I still don't know if I will write a note or not, but I'll think about it more closer to school going back.
Yeah, I will, depending if I remember them at school... lol.
Thank you!
Yup! I'm about to now!
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! It's great to catch up with you again!
That's so scary that you fainted at school. 😞 It must have been so confusing to wake up in hospital with no idea how you got there. 
It sounds like a long time to have been unconscious. I hope you're feeling better now.
I had another near-fainting episode when I had a blood test recently, but luckily I wasn't alone at the time and didn't actually end up fainting.
I'm glad you got all your assignments handed in and you're on holidays now! I'd love to see that picture when it's done. 🙂
hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
Sorry for misunderstanding! And yeah, like you said the difficulty with staying asleep is pretty stressful as well. It also really sucks about your GO - I can really understand where you're coming from, about how it would feel hard to start a conversation when right now you guys are barely talking, but I'm glad to hear we've been able to be here for you all this time
Definitely keep us updated about whether you've found the gifs helpful, and it sounds like a good idea to think about writing a note to your GO once school is on again, or just finding a time to speak to her in person. I think the fact that you're open to doing this and giving it a go is already such a big show of strength in trying to get that help you need despite these difficulties with trust
There's been a bit of stuff going on in the forum games at the moment, so you should definitely feel free to dive in! There's been a particularly tough 'Would you rather' posted a few days ago 
I would also write a note, but again, I just don't know how I feel about doing that. I might do it when I feel ready to ask for help, but it might take a while. When it gets closer to school going back, I'll start thinking about it. 🙂
How have you been, anyways! I haven't been online in forever, and I'm a bit bored rn. Are you up for some forum games? 😛
